DVD Review: Fear of Clowns

Fear of Clowns is a worthwile horror film. While it's not great, there were some very good aspects to it. It was directed really well, acted decent enough, and it had a really sinister looking clown. The black eyes really did it. I can't go on and say that it was "terrifying" or "frightening", but it was an entertaining horror movie. I mean, come on, I haven't seen a truly "terrifying" horror film since I was eight! Those reviewers that say those things have been watching too many Jennifer Aniston movies. There's already a sequel in the works and for that I'm glad, they deserve it. The story is about a woman who paints clowns and is divorcing her husband. Let's just say it's not the most peaceful breakup. Oh yeah, and there's a sinister clown with black eyes! There's also a very good "making of" segment on the disc that really takes you into the problems that some of these independent filmmakers have to go through. I give it **** out of *****.

DVD Review: Joshua

The cover screams "I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!". Uh, different movie. This is the latest offering from Fangoria's Gorezone line of films and it's not bad. The director thinks he's Hitchcock with all the queer angles and closeup camera work, but it does add to the quirkiness of the film. The film is about a group of friends that did a terrible thing while growing up and when one comes home for his father's funeral, it sets off a chain of events, none of them good. The ending was a surprise, I'll give it that. This was another one that tended to drag in places, but it was engaging enough to see it through to the bitter end. I give Joshua ***1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Pulse

What the hell is this?! Supposed to be the scariest film of the year?! This was the worst Japanese horror film I've ever seen! It's boring, it's too dark in spots, the sound is muffled and the picture is grainy and that's only a few things that are wrong with this picture. There's an American remake coming out this year and all I can say is "Why?!". The face on the front is never in the movie, not unless it is one of the extremely dark scenes and that means you'll never see it anyway. The movie is about death, and how lonely we are and...oh who cares! It feels like it's four hours long! It just plods and plods and plods. Stay away. 0 out of *****.

DVD Review: 3 Extremes

It's been a long time between reviews, but I'm back! And I wish I had a better movie for you to watch. 3 Extremes, while not terrible, was a disappointing viewing experience. I've come to expect the unexpected while watching Japanese horror and frankly, this movie didn't cut it. It's actually three short movies on one disc, with the second disc holding a longer version of one of the shorts, titled "Dumplings". All three films were directed nicely, one each by Miike Takashi, Fruit Chan, and Park Chanwook. Surprisingly, Miike's film titled "The Box" was the worst of the lot. Chanwook's offering, "Cut", was probably the most entertaining and the full version of "Dumplings" by Fruit Chan was the best overall. Never scary, and worse yet, never extreme, these three are decent films that should have been packaged under a different anthology. There's a second helping of 3 Extremes being released next month, hopefully they are a little more extreme than these three. I give it **1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Saw 2

After sitting through the first Saw, I was reluctant to play Jigsaw's game again. It was one of the first films that I reviewed on this site, and needless to say, I wasn't impressed. The same cannot be said about the sequel. This is one of those rare sequels that overtakes the original. It starts off with a jolting, skin crawling scenario and keeps it coming all the way up to the revealing end. This was cleverly written and orchestrated and I never saw the end coming. That is incredibly hard to do in today's cinema. I just read the other day that there will be a third installment and as long as they up the ante like they did here, then I'll be waiting in line to see it. It's hard for me to say it, but this is one Hollywood made movie that delivered the goods in an original, fresh way. If only they could all be this well made! Saw 2 gets ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: War of the Worlds

Sorry it took so long for this one, but it just kept falling to the back of the line. It's always a weird feeling when you're watching a sci-fi movie, and with all the far out stuff happening on screen, when the tiniest reality-based goof sets you off. This picture is loaded with them. For instance, the lightening storm takes out ALL electrical devices in the area, even wrist watches, yet people's cameras and video cameras still function. Or, how many times does an airplane fall from the sky, leaving a nice ready made trail to drive through, not to mention not even scratching the paint on the van parked about 5 feet from the wreckage? Infuriating, I say! There's no doubt that Spielberg is a great director and there are a few scenes in this movie that are amazing but with all his attention to detail, there were way too many little things that got by the man. As far as the look and sound, they were both spectacular. It's a good disc to show off your new surround system with. All the little things added with an anti-climactic ending are too much to overlook here. It gets **1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Doom

The Rock has solidified himself as the new face of action movies in my opinion. His acting comes naturally to him and you just can't argue his charisma. Doom of course is based on the popular PC video game and it's an entertaining ride from start to finish. Plenty of paranoid suspense, rapid camera pans and video game-esque music to get the pulse moving. The acting is pretty good throughout and I have to admit, I was surprised by the Rock's character in the film. It's a good popcorn movie if you don't like your films on the serious side and just a fun film to watch. I give it **** out of *****.

DVD Review: The Beast of Bray Road

This is one that I wanted to see for a while, I just couldn't find it anywhere. But, finally I found it. It turns out that it's a finely crafted piece of filmmaking that ultimately ends up a victim of it's own creature. What do I mean by that? Well, the film is good, the acting is good, everything is good, but they have to go and show the beast's face too many times. Hey, even the beast is a decent one here, but it could have been way more effective if it wasn't such a camera hog. When he's hunched over gnawing on a piece of meat, he's an impressive looking specimen, but then we have to see a close-up of his mug and that just takes away from the imagination a bit. The film is based on true events, but of course, they base it VERY loosely on the real beast of Bray Road. What we have here is a decent little werewolf movie, better than many, but it's no Ginger Snaps. It gets ***1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Demon Hunter

From Stephen J. Cannell, the brilliant mind that brought us The A-Team, comes an epic film about the war between good and evil, between Heaven and Hell, between my thumb and the stop button! This thing is being advertised absolutely everywhere, so I had to see what all the fuss was about. Well, let me tell you, if your ideal movie consists of a guy walking around squinting hard and complaining all the time how he doesn't care about this or that, then you're in luck! And that's the good guy I'm talking about! Or maybe you envision a movie utopia where Billy Drago lays around caressing naked chicks all day and then walks around the graveyard like a homeless man and then caresses some more naked chicks before getting into a horrendous confrontation with the squinting anti-hero. Hey, it's your lucky day! Seriously folks, this is almost as bad as it gets. 0 out of *****. No Davey For You!

DVD Review: The Brothers Grimm

Yeah, it took a while before I had the chance to watch this one, but here it is! This is a movie that feels like it left a lot on the table. After watching the trailer and then the film, it feels like I was cheated a little. The film is good, I'll give it that, not great, but good. It's just that, I don't know, the trailer left me wanting more and the film made me wonder when I was going to get it. Call it a case of brilliant editing on the trailer. Terry Gilliam fills his movies with wonderful set designs and he's on top of his game with this one. The locations, the lighting, the costumes, they're all great, the sound is good too. I don't know if it was the Damon/Ledger combo that did it in, I didn't think they were that bad, or what it was, it just felt a little dull. The bad thing is, I don't know what they could have done to make it better! I'm really on the fence with this one. I'll call it this...it's not a bad movie to while away a snowy Saturday afternoon with, but you're not getting a classic. So it's *** out of *****.

DVD Review: The Fog (2005)

Another PG-13 remake of an R-rated classic, except on this disc, we get the unrated version which means absolutely squat! Is Hollywood ever gonna get it? Nobody wants to see WB actors in horror movies. That's why films like Hostel, Devil's Rejects and Haute Tension do so well and these remakes don't. It's a shame really, because this could have been a decent popcorn flick. There was plenty of suspense build-up, with the fog rolling into the town and freaky things happening everywhere, but then they have to go and ruin it with the horrible CG ghosts. They would have been better off just leaving them as shapes in the mist and it would have been much more effective. In a film like The Fog, the terror is in the unknown, the noises coming from nowhere in the surrounding mist. The filmmakers really dropped the ball with this remake. It gets ** out of *****.

CD of the month (January 2006): Crimson by Alkaline Trio

A triumphant return by the Trio. Their last disc, Good Mourning was a tale of two cities. The first half of the disc was great, the second half was OK at best. With Crimson, the classic Trio sound is still there but the songs on this album are stronger and more even throughout the disc. Every song is very good here, you won't find reason to skip any. Their lyrics are still as ghoulish as ever, with visions of drowning, murder and suicide playing key roles. The production on the CD is crisp and clean and the band sounds more polished than ever. This disc certainly picks up where the first half of Good Mourning left off. This band deserves more recognition than they get, especially when there are bands out there that are nowhere near as good getting tons of airplay. Crimson drips a pool of ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: The Path of Evil

Sorry, but this one should have been titled "The Path to Boredom". Never before has an hour and a half long movie felt like four hours! I will say this, when the killer was involved, it made for a decent slasher film. Unfortunately, the killer shows up every 20 minutes or so. And those are some long, tedious minutes in between. The story goes like this: twenty years ago, a killer called "the keyhole killer" terrorized a little hamlet. The cops caught who they believed was responsible. Present day, the killings begin anew. But how can this be? The killer is behind bars. Could it be the son of a slain policeman, who happens to wallow in liquor and looks miserable all the time, while he's giving everyone attitude? Or could it be the current sherrif? Maybe the Fred Flinstone look-alike Mayor? or maybe the volitile medical examiner? And why is the new killer called "The Harvest Killer"? We may never know. And you won't! Skip this try-to-be-character-driven borefest, unless you just want to fast forward to the killer scenes. ** out of *****.

DVD Review: Venom

Finally, the unstoppable-killer-movie has returned! It's been years since we've had a decent Jason, Freddy or Michael type of killer grace the screen. I'm happy to say that Venom does a nice job of bringing it back. When an old voodoo woman gets into an accident, Ray, the town's quiet tow truck driver, tries to save her. She tells him to get her suitcase, and when poor old Ray does, he's met with a nasty fate. Ray then is turned into an unstoppable killing machine, filled with the souls of many a bad man. It's up to a group of young people to try and stop him. Plenty of good old fashioned kill scenes, mixed with some fancy editing make this an original bloodfest. The "method of death" is a long forgotten art in Hollywood, but the filmmakers came up with some fun ones here. For a trip down death's memory lane, check out Venom. **** out of *****.

DVD Review: All Souls Day

I picked this one up simply for the fact that Jeffrey Combs is in it. He's long been one of my favorite genre actors and his acting in The Frighteners is one of his greatest performances. Thus, I was excited to see All Souls Day. Well, needless to say, the excitement wore off pretty quickly. It's not one of Combs finer roles and the acting throughout the film is pretty sad. Combs is only in it for the opening segment also, so if you're a fan like me, just know that he's not the main character in the film. The film is about a sleepy Mexican town where many years ago, a greedy landowner led the entire town into the mine where the Queen of the Dead's tomb was found. During the celebration, every townmember except the sheriff, is killed in an explosion. We now jump ahead 53 years later and a young couple gets trapped in the town on the Day of the Dead. It's taken literally in this town since all the people that died in the mine, come out to feast. While it's not the best zombie flick, there's some decent scenes here and there scattered throughout. However, the main character is too much of a pain to listen to for me to recommend this one. This one had potential, but the characters killed it. **1/2 out of *****.

Book Review: Comes A Horseman by Robert Liparulo

This is the debut novel by an up and coming new novelist and it's really not too bad. I had my moments when I was drawn into the story, flipping through pages as fast as I could. And then there were other moments when I wanted to throw the book across the room, I was so frustrated. The plot goes like this--Someone is killing people who have had a near-death experience. Two FBI agents get on the case and begin to unveil a plot of massive proportions, including a man who proposes to be the Antichrist. There is a certain point in this book where I get the feeling that this may be the first of a series, or at least there may be a sequel. A certain character sort of gets forgotten about at the end of the story which makes me think that that person will be a big part in the next. That is, unless it was an oversight. My biggest beef with the story is with one of the heroes. Brady, the male part of the FBI team has to be the wimpiest hero in all bookdom! It drove me insane--when he's faced with a life and death situation, he constantly chokes and only his partner, the tough-as-nails Alicia can save they're sorry asses. That's a tough hill to climb out of, but the story did move at a brisk pace and was entertaining enough to keep me reading. Not bad for a debut, but I hope if we see Brady again, he's a little more manly. *** out of *****.

DVD Review: Serenity

Thank the heavens, finally a good Science Fiction movie. Star Wars has single handedly ruined the genre in my opinion, but this little adventure from the cast and crew of TV's cancelled Firefly breath new life into it. The crew of Serenity are still fighting and hiding from the Alliance and an assassin is hot on their trail. He wants to get to River, the human cargo that's been on the Serenity, she's carrying some important information. Soon, the crew finds out just how dangerous River can be but they need to keep her from the Alliance. Action, adventure, humor and jaw dropping effects combine to make an astounding film. We also find out how the Reavers came to be. The TV show was boring, but the movie rocks! I hope Joss Whedon keeps it up. This could be the next great sci-fi franchise. ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Evil Breed-The Legend of Samhain

Damn the makers of this movie, damn them I tell you! First off, Jenna Jameson is only in the movie for about 2 minutes flat, she's never seen in the outfit she has on on the cover, the other "star" that gets headliner props is Richard Grieco and he's in it for about 1 minute. However those aren't that bad because they make up about 3 of the worst minutes in acting history! Next, you have Ginger Lynn Allen trying to talk with an Irish accent and it's utterly ridiculous. The characters in this movie have you begging for them to die. Oh yeah, the ending is idiotic too. This movie should have never been released, the DVD's used to make them could have been saved for something more worthwhile, like Hellraiser 17 or something. The plot follows a group of students that take a trip to Ireland to learn about the ancient Druids and they become the main course for a group of inbred monsters. At least there's justice in the world! There's supposed to be an unrated version out there somewhere that has a lot more gore in it, but unless it was made with a different cast and and a different director, forget about it! 0 out of *****. Sorry folks, pornstars and horror just don't mix.

DVD Review: The Land of College Prophets

This film is what independent filmmaking is all about. It's directed by a group called The Hale Manor Collective, and they put together one heck of an imaginative movie. Thomas Edward Seymour is the jack-of-all-trades on this project as he not only helped direct it, but he also starred in it, composed the music for it and he even wrote the damn thing! There are people out there that are called College Prophets, people with amazing powers who don't even know they have them, until something happens that brings it out of them. That's the premise of this movie. When two buddies (Tommy and Rye) fight over the same girl, an anchient evil awakens from deep within an old well that legend calls The Well That Ate Children. The well starts to disperse it's tainted water through the town, turning everyone into bloodthirsty maniacs. Tommy and Rye must put aside their bitter feud and team up with some unlikely partners to banish the evil back to the well. A well written and directed film, College Prophets shows that original movies can still be made in this country, even if it's by a bunch of guys from Connecticut. The acting is surprisingly good also, you can tell that this was a labor of love for this group. A great B-Movie in every sense of the word--it has action, horror, laughs, karate-style fight sequences, compelling music, poetry and pink ninjas! It's a bare bones DVD with no extras, but who cares, this movie rocks! I give it ****1/2 out of *****.

And The Winners Are...

Album of the Year-13 Hallowe'ens by Calabrese

Direct-To-DVD Film of the Year-Ginger Snaps Back

Movie of the Year-Devil's Rejects

Book of the Year-The Loch by Steve Alten

Television Series of the Year-Battlestar Galactica