Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Movie Review: Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines

Proving itself to be the franchise that never dies, Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines hits store shelves on October 23, but does this ragtag trio of hillbillies have anything left to offer horror fans? The original was pretty good, the second and third weren't all that bad, and the fourth in the series wasn't great but it wasn't terrible by long shot either. Like most horror franchises, the quality of the films have steadily declined through the chapters and finally, in part five, the series hits its bottom (until the inevitable part six comes out). This, despite the fact that it stars Pinhead himself, Doug Bradley.

Doobies and driving don't mix, ya dingus!
The movie takes place once again in the backwoods of West Virginia in a small mining town that is in the midst of celebrating its famous "Mountain Man Festival." A group of 37-year old college kids, while driving toward the town to attend the festivities and getting high (of course) at the same time,  almost hit a guy on the road and ultimately run the car into a tree. The man they almost hit is Maynard (Bradley), a grizzled old serial killer who happens to take in the three murderous hillbillies after the events of part four of this franchise. With his three companions waiting in the wings, Maynard is arrested and taken to jail, along with the delinquents.

What the hell is Norman Reedus doing in this movie?
Even though Maynard is a mean old bastard to the hillbillies, even calling them "pinheads" at one point, they love him like an inbred brother and they turn their savage tendencies on the town in order to free one of their own. Of course, the town is deserted because everybody is over at the Mountain Man Festival which is happening at God-knows-where because when they show the town during the day it's filled with people walking around while at night it turns into a ghost town. I mean there is NOBODY in town, except the delinquents, the sheriff, and old drunk, and Maynard (who keeps muttering threats and promises of death to all while behind bars). It all makes for easy pickings for the hillbillies. There's only one shot of the actual festival in the film and it features a cop getting laid. It seemed the director was trying everything he could to get another pair of bouncing boobs in the movie. I guess that deputy must have been getting banged all night long, because he never answered his radio or called in to the station once. And for all the talk about how "busy" the police were going to be because of the festival, the deputies never brought anybody back to the station. I guess the festival crowd was more congenial than they anticipated, or they were getting laid so much, they didn't care.

My reaction after hearing there might be a part six.
So, where does Wrong Turn 5 go wrong? From bad acting to crappy set design to lousy makeup and special effects to a story with more plot holes than pot holes, Wrong Turn 5 has a lot of bad going for it. Plus, whereas the previous chapters at least had some interesting kills, the kills in this one seemed rudimentary at best. Despite Bradley's best efforts, the movie staggers along like a one-legged redneck trying to walk the Appalachian Trail. At the end of the day, the moral of Wrong Turn 5 is today's college kids are dumber than a trio of inbred West Virginia hillbillies.

Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines gets * out of *****.

Check out the trailer for Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines below.