DVD Review: I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

No, No, No, No, NO!!! Don't tell me I just saw what I thought I saw!! Ridiculous! Insane! Incomprehensible! Unreproachable! What they just did with this series is way worse than having Brandy star in the second one. I cannot believe they went this way with it. I'm dumbfounded and dare I say it, a little insulted. Near enough to the original to warrant plagarism, this third chapter in the series even has characters nearly identical to the first one. Much of the dialogue sounds stolen from it too. "We take this to our grave! Say it, Say it!!". I'll say it! "If anyone asks me if I saw this movie, I'll deny it! I'll take it my grave!!" There, that's better. Forget the cozy seaside port town, where the fisherman makes sense. This one takes place in Colorado, now what's a fisherman doing way out there? You wouldn't believe it even if I told you. It's time we start forgetting what happened last summer and let bygones be bygones! 0 out of *****.

Book Review: The Conqueror Worms by Brian Keene

With cover art like this, I was very wary about spending my precious free time reading a crapper. Luckily, it turns out the joke was on me. This was one of the best books I've read in quite a while. An extremely quick read, The Conqueror Worms is filled with action and gore. Surprisingly, it's a rather touching emotional ride though armageddon. I can't help but think that Brian Keene has touched on the way it really will end. In an endless downpour. The story reads as a personal account, or a diary, of one Teddy Garnett, an aging widower going through a bad case of nicotine withdrawl. He tells the story of what's happening around him, as the rain pounds down and the worms, well, read the book. There's a section in the middle where Keene loses me a little, but he quickly rights the ship. A tale told in classic Stephen King style, with fantastic dialogue, this book is destined to be another in a fine line of armageddon classics. ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Motor Home Massacre

In terms of movie making, they got the massacre part right. In terms of surprise endings, they got the massacre part right. If they planned on making a lousy, piece of crap movie, damn, they done got it right! When a group of co-eds take the nerd's father's RV out for some humpin' under the stars action, they have no idea that death waits them! I almost died from boredom watching this. Actually, my spirit is writing this from the other side, I did die when I saw the asinine shot at a twist ending! Yeah, it's a massacre. 0 out of *****.

DVD Review: Ghost Game

This film is unrated, but don't let that fool you. It's really PG-13. There's no nudity, the kills are not very graphic, there is alot of cursing, but that's about it. But surprise, surprise! I kinda liked it. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but this is a pretty funny movie. The dialogue is hilarious and covers for the fact that there's not much blood. There are two shades of acting in this movie. Some of the actors are really good, and some are lousy. The good ones make up for the bad ones. The story centers around a group of friends vacationing at a cabin on an isolated island. They find a box left behind by a trio of witches many years prior. Despite the warnings, they open the box and get caught in a "game" of life and death. It kept me entertained throughout, even though it's no masterpiece. The makers of this film, and a few of the actors, are going to go far in the industry. Ghost Game plays up ***1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Sweet Insanity

I have to admit, the box art cover is what sold me to watch this one. It looked like this would be a wild and bloody fun ride. Oh, damn you cover designers, damn you to hell! From what I can tell, the girl on the cover isn't even the same girl in the movie. If she is, then I'm the one insane. The movie did drive me nuts though because for some reason, at random points, the dialogue moved from the center speaker to the rear speakers of my surround system. Needless to say, the sound editing sucked. They even had a blooper reel running through the end credits, but you couldn't hear them over the lousy rock music. It's a crappy tale of multiple personalities and the people they kill, all in glorious PG-13 fashion. The group of guys, who in the beginning you can't stand, actually turn out to be the funniest and most enjoyable part of this poopy film. I don't know, maybe I just don't care for 39 year old actors pretending to be high schoolers. It gets * out of *****.

DVD Review: King of the Ants

Stuart Gordon is simply incapable of making a bad movie. The man is amazing. Whether he's directing a Lovecraftian tale about fish people (Dagon), or a brutal revenge movie like King of the Ants, the mastery of both the lens, and his incredible ability to get the most from his actors, shine through. George Wendt is unbelievable in this movie. Newcomer Chris McKenna is outstanding. Daniel Baldwin gives the best performance of his career. It's a brutal tale about a young man named Sean (McKenna) who gets into a hornets nest of bad luck when he does a "job" for the local bad guy (Baldwin). After things get out of hand, the bad guys decide to make Sean "disappear". They have no idea of this guys intestinal fortitude! Brilliantly shot, there are portions that make you cringe at the realism of pain. The movie kept me entranced all the way through, the way they're meant to do. I give it ****1/2 out of *****.