Book Review: The Conqueror Worms by Brian Keene

With cover art like this, I was very wary about spending my precious free time reading a crapper. Luckily, it turns out the joke was on me. This was one of the best books I've read in quite a while. An extremely quick read, The Conqueror Worms is filled with action and gore. Surprisingly, it's a rather touching emotional ride though armageddon. I can't help but think that Brian Keene has touched on the way it really will end. In an endless downpour. The story reads as a personal account, or a diary, of one Teddy Garnett, an aging widower going through a bad case of nicotine withdrawl. He tells the story of what's happening around him, as the rain pounds down and the worms, well, read the book. There's a section in the middle where Keene loses me a little, but he quickly rights the ship. A tale told in classic Stephen King style, with fantastic dialogue, this book is destined to be another in a fine line of armageddon classics. ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Motor Home Massacre

In terms of movie making, they got the massacre part right. In terms of surprise endings, they got the massacre part right. If they planned on making a lousy, piece of crap movie, damn, they done got it right! When a group of co-eds take the nerd's father's RV out for some humpin' under the stars action, they have no idea that death waits them! I almost died from boredom watching this. Actually, my spirit is writing this from the other side, I did die when I saw the asinine shot at a twist ending! Yeah, it's a massacre. 0 out of *****.

DVD Review: Ghost Game

This film is unrated, but don't let that fool you. It's really PG-13. There's no nudity, the kills are not very graphic, there is alot of cursing, but that's about it. But surprise, surprise! I kinda liked it. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but this is a pretty funny movie. The dialogue is hilarious and covers for the fact that there's not much blood. There are two shades of acting in this movie. Some of the actors are really good, and some are lousy. The good ones make up for the bad ones. The story centers around a group of friends vacationing at a cabin on an isolated island. They find a box left behind by a trio of witches many years prior. Despite the warnings, they open the box and get caught in a "game" of life and death. It kept me entertained throughout, even though it's no masterpiece. The makers of this film, and a few of the actors, are going to go far in the industry. Ghost Game plays up ***1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Sweet Insanity

I have to admit, the box art cover is what sold me to watch this one. It looked like this would be a wild and bloody fun ride. Oh, damn you cover designers, damn you to hell! From what I can tell, the girl on the cover isn't even the same girl in the movie. If she is, then I'm the one insane. The movie did drive me nuts though because for some reason, at random points, the dialogue moved from the center speaker to the rear speakers of my surround system. Needless to say, the sound editing sucked. They even had a blooper reel running through the end credits, but you couldn't hear them over the lousy rock music. It's a crappy tale of multiple personalities and the people they kill, all in glorious PG-13 fashion. The group of guys, who in the beginning you can't stand, actually turn out to be the funniest and most enjoyable part of this poopy film. I don't know, maybe I just don't care for 39 year old actors pretending to be high schoolers. It gets * out of *****.

DVD Review: King of the Ants

Stuart Gordon is simply incapable of making a bad movie. The man is amazing. Whether he's directing a Lovecraftian tale about fish people (Dagon), or a brutal revenge movie like King of the Ants, the mastery of both the lens, and his incredible ability to get the most from his actors, shine through. George Wendt is unbelievable in this movie. Newcomer Chris McKenna is outstanding. Daniel Baldwin gives the best performance of his career. It's a brutal tale about a young man named Sean (McKenna) who gets into a hornets nest of bad luck when he does a "job" for the local bad guy (Baldwin). After things get out of hand, the bad guys decide to make Sean "disappear". They have no idea of this guys intestinal fortitude! Brilliantly shot, there are portions that make you cringe at the realism of pain. The movie kept me entranced all the way through, the way they're meant to do. I give it ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: The Butcher

Things turn bad when a group of college co-eds take the scenic route and have a run-in with a mean trucker. After a horrible accident, the kids find out just how mean this trucker is, and wait until they meet his old lady! The Butcher is a decent film. It basically combined elements from all the hillbilly, inbred cannibal movies that were all the rage over the last few years. There's even one scene that's almost identical to one in Wrong Turn. You'll notice pieces of Hills have Eyes, Texas Chainsaw, Wolf Creek, and others all wrapped up in The Butcher. But with all that mimicking, it's still its own movie. Very good acting for the most part, although a few parts were over the top. The direction was solid and the sound was decent enough. All in all, it is a very nice film to wile away a Saturday night to. It's not Angus, but it's not spoiled either. The Butcher chops up ***1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Severed-Forest of the Dead

This one came as a surprise for me. I had no previous knowledge of it, there was no promotional push, yet it turns out, it's a very nicely made zombie flick. The DVD was rented out at my local mega-store, so I had to catch this one on pay per view. So as far as the DVD specs are concerned, I have no idea. The film wastes no time getting underway and for that i am grateful. It's filmed in a herky-jerky hand-held kind of way. I think it's a new "zombie movie camerawork" phase filmmakers are going through. The frantic camera does add a bit to the tension, but it's a little over done here. The actors did a very nice job throughout. The story is about a logging company that's using a chemical additive to enhance the growth of trees. There's an unexpected reaction when the chemical comes into contact with humans. It turns them into flesh eating zombies! There are alot of environmental issues on display here, and the filmmakers did a fantastic job of showing both the log worker's and the tree hugger's points of view. And here's another thing that I loved about this movie---It took everything dead seriously! With zombies all around you, and you're quaratined on an island, there are no jokes to be made! The ending may not be for everybody, but I thought it was fitting. Severed is one of the better zombie movies to come out in the last two years. It gets ****1/2 out of *****.

Vote for Rob Zombie!!

Hey Fiends, Spike TV is having a Scream Awards show for the Sci-Fi/Horror genre. Click HERE to cast your votes. Be sure to vote for my good friend (if we ever met) Rob Zombie and his film, The Devil's Rejects!! Do it now.

DVD Review: The Graveyard

The Graveyard. It’s hard to imagine that after all these years of horror movies that that simplistic title has eluded many a producer. Now, it finally sees the cover of a DVD and unfortunately for all of us, it should have stayed elusive. What starts out as a run of the mill “revenge” movie, The Graveyard quickly takes a path that not many films take…that of a run of the mill “revenge” movie. There is nothing new here to make it worth anyone’s while.
The plot of this film goes something like this: A group of teens are spending the summer at a campground. They head to the nearby cemetery to play a game called “Run for Your Life”. It’s basically Hide and Go Seek. The poor bastard that has to do the seeking is the unknowing pawn in a bad prank and yeah, he ends up dead. Five years later, the one kid that actually had to do time for the death is being released from prison, and the rest of the gang wants to help him come to terms with everything that’s happened. They do the kindly thing and take him back to the campground where everything happened! Besides everybody being on edge, everything is hunky-dory. Then people start to die.
The DVD’s video is clean and pretty crisp. Lionsgate is the distributor and they rarely put out a crappy looking disc. The director tried his honest best with what he had to work with, which was not much. It’s hard to believe that these were the best actors in the auditions, not to mention that the script was a piece of crap. Let me ask you, if there’s a homicidal maniac running around killing all your friends, would you stop to sit on a log and make out with the camp cook? These scenes have no place in horror movies. Nobody cares about romance after the killings have started---it makes no sense! Not to mention that the nighttime forest is lit up like an airport runway, but strangely, there are no lights. Surely we’re not to think that the quarter-moon they keep showing is shedding that type of luminosity?
The audio on the disc is nothing to write home about. It’s better heard through your TV’s speakers rather than your sound system. There is no surround available, so it’s not even worth turning it on, you’ll only get frustrated. Same goes for the extras on the disc. There’s no “making of” segment, no bloopers, no nothing. Just a few preview trailers. Easily one of the lamest horror discs recently released. It’s like a bad after-school special with a few scenes of gratuitous (and I do mean gratuitous—they must have paid the poor girl an extra ten bucks!) nude scenes.
If you’re looking for entertainment, The Graveyard is not it. Actually going to a graveyard at night, now that would produce more chills than watching this crapper.
It gets 1/2* out of *****.

DVD Review: The Hills Have Eyes (Unrated)

Wes Craven's thriller re-imagined for a new age of moviegoers. I'm ho-hum on this one. It could have been much much better. Sure, there was a ton of violence, blood, and gore, but there was no suspense. Things just happened, with no real buildup of tension. That killed the fear aspect immensly. This could have been a very creepy, effective scarefest, but it wasn't. Not that it was terrible, it was entertaining as a movie, but just could have been so much more. The plot's the same as the original so there's no point going over it. It's worth a look if you like realistic violence, but if you're looking for scares, set your eyes on other hills. **1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Cemetery Gates

From the creators of Boo comes a nice return to Saturday night monster matinees. The creature is cheesy and is shown way too much, but you just can't help loving every minute of it. You just have to sit there and smile as the beast tears into unsuspecting victims. The producers must have gotten a great deal on stage blood because there is a ton of it spilled here! A couple of well intending activists steal a creature from a lab, intent on setting it free. What they don't know is that the creature is a tasmanian devil that's had some serious testing done to it! Once free, the beast wrecks havoc and only the scientist (Phantasm's Reggie Bannister) responsible can stop it. Can he do it before it kills his estranged son and his goofy friends? ***1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: The Nun

I thought this was a good movie. For a small budget film, the director got absolutely every penny's worth on the screen. The effects were great, the locations were great, the camera work was perfect, the sound was very good, the acting was---okay. But hey, 4 out of 5 ain't bad! It all started at a girl's school run by nuns. One of the nuns is a real mean old beeeyatch. She takes out her evil tendencies on the girls. Then, the nun goes a little too far, the girls revolt, and the nun dies in an accident. Jump to present day, and one by one the women begin, yep you guessed it, dying! It's up to the daughter of one of them to uncover the truth! An enjoyable film from start to finish---except for one mind numbing part---with a killer nun floating around, would you really take the time to make out with someone in an old, dilapidated school? Stupid!! Everything else was great. **** out of *****.

DVD Review: Camp Slaughter

At least this film had a unique premise. However, it was a little difficult getting through this one. It's not scary or gory, but it can be a little silly and a little irritating at times. The plot goes like this---A group of college kids are driving along when all of a sudden, their truck stops running. They stay the night in the truck and they each have a terrible dream. When they wake up, they're surrounded by camp counselors who are stuck in the 80's, like totally! Over the next hour and so, you will chuckle at the 80's style and lingo a couple of times. When the group decide to leave, things start to go crazy---like people dying. The kills are generally PG-13 and are nothing to write home about. You do get the feeling that the filmmakers really did try their best, and it was an admirable job. If the kills weren't so bland, and they could have toned down the African American chick, it would have gotten a higher score. It gets ** out of *****.

DVD Review: Hostel

Here's another I've been dying to see. I wanted to wait for the unrated version to really get the effect of the film. Again, I was rather disappointed. While it was way better than Wolf Creek, I just don't feel it lived up to the hype. It just took too long to get going. I know there has to be some character buildup, but these weren't exactly complex characters. There was alot of gratuitous nudity in the first 30 minutes or so, and if I had my druthers, I'd have substituted some of it for some scares. The premise of the movie is definitely horrifying and I'm hoping that like the Saw franchise, the second installment is better. If you don't already know the plot, it's about a hostel in Europe where rich people can pay to torture and kill people and the two college kids that get caught up in the mix. Supposedly, these places really exist and that's the scary part! **1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Vlad

This movie starts out pretty impressive. There is alot of history about Vlad the Impaler and his family. Unfortunately, things go south real quick. Brad Dourif and Billy Zane give good performances, and that's just about all the good I have to say about it. It's about Vlad's amulet that supposedly has the power to bring him back from the dead. Four college students, one of whom is Romanian and has the amulet, are on a trek to learn more about Vlad for their research papers. As you've already guessed, the original Dracula returns, and kills people rather boringly. The location shots are nice and authentic but the movie drags. * out of *****.

DVD Review: Wolf Creek

I don't know why I get excited anymore. I waited and waited for this one to come out, with so much hype about how scary it was, I was brimming with excitement. It turned out to be one of the biggest disappointments for me in a long, long time. There was nothing...and I mean nothing, in the first hour and twenty minutes! We have to wait that long for something to happen? And then when the action picks up, it's neither scary, nor tension-filled. The movie is based on a true story about an Australian, who kills people out in the desert. He comes off as a swell guy, just trying to help out some kids whose car broke down, and eventually, he ...well, you know. The accents are hard to follow at times, there are a few moments where you mutter to yourself "How did he...?", and it's just plain boring for the first 83 minutes. For that, it gets * out of *****.

DVD Review: King Kong

Another remake of a classic. The big difference here, Peter Jackson. He does another amazing job directing a huge movie with exceptional results. This new version of Kong is more exciting, action packed, and violent than any of it's predecessors. I was initially not impressed with Jack Black, however, as the movie rolled along, he was better and better. That pretty much goes for all the actors in the movie. But they're not the reason we watch this movie. The movie is the Ape. The CGI is phenomenal and you can actually feel Kong's emotions. The gorilla is the star of the movie and that's the way it sould be. I also have to add that Jackson creates some of the scariest looking natives ever. I'd be more afraid of them than Kong! A three hour roller coaster that ultimately ends as all the Kong movies end. Even though you know what's coming, the emotional impact of it is resounding. The surround sound is stellar on this disc and makes the film that much more enjoyable. If you don't have a 5.1 system yet, then go get one and then watch King Kong. If only all remakes could hold to this level of expertise. ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: 2001 Maniacs

2001 Maniacs was a pleasure to watch. A great mixture of horror, comedy, gore, and southern hospitality! A group of college co-eds are heading down to Florida for Spring Break when they get detoured to the lovely town of Pleasant Valley. They're just in time for the big barbeque festival. Led by the mayor (fantastically played by Robert Englund), the town does it's best to make the strangers feel welcome. Unfortunately, Pleasant Valley's idea of feeling welcome is down right nasty. This one is a gem in an ocean of crappy movies, so do yourself a favor and check it out. It's a promising debut from an up and coming production company, I hope they keep it up. It gets ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Satanic

Horrifying! Terrifying! Ruthless and careless abandon! No, not the movie, the acting!! This is an absolute snorefest. The acting never gets emotional or even human-like. If you watch closely, you be amazed at how many people get hit in the face. Somebody should have hit the director in the face and stopped this tragedy. Even the talents of Jeffery Combs and Angus Scrimm can't raise this crapper from the dead. I have a feeling your soul will be damned just by sitting through this thing! No bother describing the plot, it's ridiculous, lame, boring, and bad. Another one gets 0 out of *****.

DVD Review: Harvest of Fear

What in Sam Hill?? Wait a minute, here! Are my eyes deceiving me? If you scroll a little down the page, you'll see a review for a movie called Path of Evil. Call me goofy, but this is almost the exact same movie! Same actors playing the same exact roles, in a different movie with nearly an identical plot! How they got the opportunity to destroy two reams of film is beyong me. 'nough said. 0 out of *****.