Movie Review: The Graves

Let me start off by saying I was really excited to see The Graves. After all, it stars Bill Moseley, Tony Todd and features a cameo by one of my favorite bands, Calabrese, so how bad can it be, right? Well, let's count the ways...

For starters, The Graves is way too long. It would have been great as a half-hour short story, but as an hour and a half film, it feels like director Brian Pulido just stretched it out like a friggin' Stretch Armstrong doll.

Next, the acting is really tough to watch here, with the exception of Shane Stevens (Jonah) and Tony Todd (Reverend Abraham). They were at least fun to watch. The two primary players, the Graves girls, played by Jillian Murray and Clare Grant, may have been easy on the eyes, but their acting was tough to sit through. There's one scene where Grant's character, Megan, is trying to escape from Bill Moseley; she crawls halfway up the hill and slides back down...not once, but three times! That scene is a perfect example of what it's like watching The Graves.

And speaking of Bill, I don't know what Rob Zombie did to Moseley to get him to act the way he did in the Devil's Rejects, but nobody has been able to tap into that well of genius ever since.

On a positive note, the film's music was pretty good. I loved the song that played over the opening credits, and I even liked the little ditty that played over and over and over again at the entrance to the Skull City mine (where all this takes place).

For me, The Graves was all over the place like an armadillo on an Arizona highway in July. By the end, I was getting antsy, praying for the credits to roll already. And that's no way to feel when watching a horror movie. I give The Graves * out of *****.

CD Review: Hellbilly Deluxe 2 by Rob Zombie

Rob Zombie, that multimedia master of horror, is back with his first brand new album since the disappointing effort that was 2006's Educated Horses. It's been four long years since we've heard new music from Rob and with the release of this album, fans longing for some down-n-dirty, groovin-n-movin tunes are hoping he gets back on track.

Here's the gristle -- Hellbilly Deluxe 2, the supposed sequel to 1998's fantastic Hellbilly Deluxe, is nowhere near up to par. I'm terribly sad to say this album sounds like these tunes were leftovers from the Educated Horses album.

The album's highlights, for me, are the songs What? and Werewolf Women of the SS, and I don't even particularly love either one of these either. The album starts off with Jesus Frankenstein, and to be honest, I was liking that tune until he got to the chorus. That shitty-ass chant totally throws the song off rhythm and turns it from a decent jam into a hard to listen to turd.

I don't know, ever since Zombie started doing films, his music has suffered. This is hard for me to write because I love Rob Zombie. I think he's a true original, but I just don't like this CD. And to boot, he caps the recording off with a nearly 10-minute song that features a drum solo through most of it. Now, who the hell puts a drum solo in a song that's NOT on a live album? And to make matters even worse, the drum solo totally sucks! There are eleven year old kids on YouTube that can pound the skins more impressively. The song, titled The Man Who Laughs, might just be about Rob himself, as he's pulled the wool over the eyes of those who thought this was going to be anything like Hellbilly Deluxe. Oh, what a cruel, cruel joke.

Hellbilly Deluxe 2, like most sequels (with the exception of Devil's Rejects, of course), is substandard. It gets ** out of *****.

Movie Review: The Collector

When I sat down to watch The Collector, I was in a rare state of having no expectations about the film I was about to watch. This movie was out a while ago, and it basically came and went without much fanfare, so I really didn't have any idea of what I was in for. And I must say, man, was I glad I didn't know what I was in for!

The Collector took me surprise. This is as well-made a slasher story as I've seen in quite a while. But even more than that, The Collector is rife with tension, which is greatly accentuated by the heart pounding (literally) soundtrack and exceptional cinematography. Watching it, I realized that I haven't felt this level of tension in a film since I saw David Moreau's French masterpiece, Them.

The plot of the film follows ex-con Arkin as he attempts to settle his ex-wife's debt by robbing his new employer's home when they're supposed to be away on a vacation. But, once Arkin is inside the home, he realizes he's not alone. There's somebody far worse inside the house with him.

Now, as much as I loved The Collector, the film is not perfect. There are some things that make you say, "Now, how did he..." and "What the..." But overall, this is a truly enjoyable film that really deserves a larger following. Screenwriters Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan did some collecting of their own, as you can see certain aspects of some other great horror films at work here, not the least of which are the Saw movies, which they also happened to co-write (from part IV on).

As the horror genre has become slogged down with crappy remakes, re-imaging or whatever you want to call it, it's exciting to see fresh, new blood on the serial killer scene. The Collector is a fun ride, one filled with blood, guts and edge-of-your-seat tension. I give The Collector ****1/2 out of *****.

CD Review: Calabrese III: They Call Us Death by Calabrese

A couple of years ago, I took a shot and ordered a CD called 13 Hallowe'ens from a then-unknown horror rock band called Calabrese. To say my socks were blown off is an understatement. These guys kicked serious ass!! In fact, they got my first-ever six-star review. Then, in 2008, I got their second release, The Traveling Vampire Show and it too garnered a six star rating. So now, here it is, 2010 and Calabrese is back with their third effort, Calabrese III: They Call Us Death. Will the guys from Arizona, voted the World's Best Horror Rock Band, continue their trend? Let's see, shall we?

The first thing I noticed about the new CD is that the packaging is simply incredible. The artwork on the digipak is better than ever, and dare I say it, way better than you find on an artist who's backed by a major label. This is just top quality stuff here. But all that's just window dressing. What about the tunes, man?

On Calabrese III, the Calabrese brothers come to kick you in the ass, forget taking names, they aren't interested in that - they're out for blood! And man, do they get it! The songs on this disc are harder, faster and grittier than anything they've put out thus far. Get one thing straight, this ain't fancy, howdy-do music here. It's in your face, punch you in the gut rock and roll, baby!

I've said it before that Calabrese is more than a horror rock band. They're an ass-kicking rock and roll band! That said, their songs are more sinister, evil and demented than ever so you've got to give them props on the horror-scale! Remember back when that panty-waste Axl said he wanted to see you bleed? Well, Calabrese is looking for bucket loads of the red stuff, and boy do they get what they came for. Might as well make it an even 6-6-6 -- ****** out of *****! Quite simply the best from the best!

Short Film Review: Contact

Contact is a new short film directed by indie horror master, Jeremiah Kipp. To say that the film leaves an indelible mark is somewhat of an understatement. I mean, is there a director working today who can do more with 11 minutes of film? I dare say not!

Contact is an artistic and visually stunning display of workmanship, from the gritty black and white color of the film to the perfectly accentuated music, this is like high couture art house horror. The viewer is simply mesmerized and for the next 11 minutes, we're in Kipp's hands, the world around us, oblivion.

Perhaps what makes this film so remarkable is that it contains practically no dialogue. Facial expressions and music show us the core of this story, which in the end, the viewer is left to their own conclusions. The film stars Zoe Daelman Chlanda and Robb Leigh Davis as the two principal characters with brilliant turns by Allen Rowe Kelly, Katherine O'Sullivan, Tom Reid and Danny Lopes in supporting roles.

While watching this film, I was reminded of one of Kipp's earlier works, The Pod. Contact felt like a stripped-down, or un-plugged, version of that earlier movie. In Contact, the emotion of what's happening on screen are displayed in their rarest and rawest form.

In the end, after watching Contact, the viewer is left near breathless. Never before have I watched 11 minutes of film and felt as is if I had watched an entire movie. That's a truly remarkable experience and another reason why Jeremiah Kipp is one hell of a director.

I give Contact ***** out of *****. Want to see it for yourself, check it out HERE!

DVD Review: London Betty

London Betty, the latest movie by independent filmmaker Thomas Edward Seymour, is one the films that I have been anticipating to see in 2010. It has done very well on the indie award circuit, having grabbed Best Connecticut Film at the Silk City Film Festival, Best Feature Film at the Accolade Film Competition as well as receiving the Underground Spirit Award at the New Haven Underground Film Festival. Not to mention the fact that these guys even got Clint Howard to do the narration on the film, Broadway starlet Nicole Lewis to star in it and Daniel Von Bargen to play a part as well. And with Seymour's past efforts being some of my favorite independent films (Land of College Prophets, Bikini Bloodbath, etc.), needless to say, I was stoked when I found it in my mailbox.

London Betty tells the tale of a girl (Betty) who comes to America from England in search of a job as a journalist for a reputable newspaper. Instead, she finds herself working for a recluse (Von Bargen), making friends with thieves, whores and a tranvestite ex-soldier, getting kidnapped, fighting for her life and more.

This film, like Seymour's past efforts, is filled with hilarious characters, each of which is wonderfully acted by the usual cast of actors, including Seymour himself, Russ Russo, Dick Boland, Phil Hall, Philip Guerette and Matt Ford. But what sets this film apart is that it shows a more mature directorial effort as the quality of the film is simply the best that Seymour has produced thus far. From his earlier efforts through London Betty, each film shows a progression in his experience as a filmmaker and this film has the awards to prove it.

Do yourself a favor and check out London Betty. This is a hilarious film that's definitely worth watching. I've been saying it for years that truly original movies are not coming out of Hollywood any more. They're being done by the independent filmmakers who unfortunately don't get the recognition they deserve. London Betty is a perfect example of my belief. With an excellent story, engaging characters and a few plot twists, London Betty is a fun movie to watch. And just wait until you get a load of Sgt. "Barbara" Stone!

Oh, and for fans of Land of College Prophets, keep your eyes peeled and you just might catch a glimpse of The Well That Ate Children. Nice touch!

London Betty gets ****1/2 out of *****. Mmmm...Tasty!

Book Review: Under the Dome by Stephen King

What can you say about Stephen King? Like a fine wine, he gets better with age. And King's latest tome of a novel is one of his best. Under the Dome is a brilliant story that unfolds over a week or so in the tiny Maine town of Chester's Mill, where on a bright sunny day in October, a mysterious dome settles over the town, cutting off those within from the outside world.

The story brings us into the lives of those under the dome and we discover many secrets along the way. We share the fear, the heartache and the general pissed-offedness of Chester's Mill's residents. We follow Dale Barbara, the ex-lieutenant from the war in Iraq, Julia Shumway, the town's scrappy newspaper editor, James Rennie, Chester's Mill's Second Selectman (and one downright evil cotton-picking son of a buck) and a hundred or so others.

Yes, at over a thousand pages, the novel is large. But King writes this story like it's no big deal, and that's where the beauty lies. Start reading Under the Dome and you will become a townie. You will feel as if you are there. And that's the hardest trick of all for a writer to pull off, but this is why King is one of the greats.

In my opinion, Stephen King is the literary world's George Romero. Like Romero's zombie movies, King's tales have an underlying message relating to current-day, real-life issues. Sure, it may be covered by blood and guts, but the message is there. At its core, Under the Dome sheds a light on the all-too real horrors that are of growing concern in this country, such as the damage to the environment and power-hungry politicians with one hand on a gun and the other on a bible. King shows us how bad things can get, and how quickly, when the situation allows it. As entertaining as Under the Dome is, it is equally a sobering and contemplative piece of work. No, there are no monsters, but King shows us that sometimes, humans can be quite horrific if the situation is right, and in his work, Stephen King never lies, my friend, he never lies.

Read Under the Dome. It's a literary work of art that may change the way you view the world and those around you. Believe me, you'll never look at ants the same way again. Under the Dome gets ***** out of *****.

Movie Review: The Road

What will the world be like when the end comes? When life as we know it ceases to exist and all we're left with is a barren wasteland and very few survivors? The Road gives us an extremely realistic vision of what's probably sure to be our future if Sarah Palin ever gets in the White House.

Based on Cormac McCarthy's bestselling novel, The Road follows the plight of a father and son as they make their way across the dead land to get to the sea. Every day is a struggle to stay alive. Cannibals roam the land, people have become even more self serving than normal and the physical toll on their bodies alone proves to be overwhelming. While the screen is filled with amazing images of destruction and isolation, at its heart, The Road is a love story. It tells the story of a father's love for his son and the lengths he will go to to protect him.

As for the film itself, I was amazed at the job accomplished by director John Hillcoat. This film looked like the end had come. The settings were just incredible. In fact, it's my opinion that the environment was the film's star. The barren woods, the ruined buildings, the rusted-out vehicles -- it was incredibly realistic, and to be quite honest, sobering. And Viggo Mortenson's portrayal of the father lends an unrelenting truth to the story being played out on screen. It was also nice to see Robert Duvall put in just an incredible performance as the old man, Eli. His time on screen was brief, but he was mesmerizing to watch.

The soundtrack for The Road was perfectly scored by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis, masters at creating moody, melancholy music that is truly a musical representation of what's happening on the screen. Their work, as usual, fits the emotion of the film perfectly and I don't think there are any other composers working today that could have done a better job with this material.

As you can probably tell, I liked The Road a lot. The only thing I really didn't care for, unfortunately, was the ending. I felt came a little too quickly and in regards to the story, I felt it didn't really fit.

The Road is not the feel good movie of the year, but it does represent a startlingly realistic vision of what lies ahead for us if we don't get our heads out of our asses. I give The Road **** out of *****.

Movie Review: The Lovely Bones

I was mildly surprised when I heard Peter Jackson was going to be directing The Lovely Bones, but now that I've seen it, I have to go on record as saying that he is one of this generation's most gifted directors. Now, that was probably already evident because of what he did the The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but those were one type of picture; this is another type of film entirely.

Based on the novel by Alice Sebold (which I didn't read so I have no idea how loyal the film is), The Lovely Bones is a heartbreaking, realistic and frightening film that works on many different levels. As a parent, this is the most horrific type of film you can watch (even though Jackson left all of the gruesome happenings off-camera). Even still, it's like a punch to the gut.

For those who don't know the premise, it's the story of a teenage girl who gets abducted and killed by one of her neighbors. Her spirit resides in the In Between where she watches as her family tries to cope with her death and her father tries to find her killer. She's torn between her want for vengeance and wishing her family could heal.

The Lovely Bones is masterfully paced, brilliantly acted, especially by Stanley Tucci and Saoirse Ronan (who I think should have gotten an Oscar nom), and one of the best major movies of 2009 in my opinion. For the life of me, I can't see how Peter Jackson wasn't nominated for a Best Director Oscar for this remarkable film.

I give The Lovely Bones ***** out of *****. Why 5 stars? Because I'm a cold hearted bastard who rarely gets emotionally moved by movies, yet this one did just that.

Movie Review: Legion

I must admit, I'm a fan of apocalyptic stories. And I also love tales of good versus evil. But, what about an apocalyptic story of good versus good? Well, that's kind of what we have in Legion. You see, God has given up on mankind because we pretty much suck (He's a little late to the party, but I digress). So, He has a temper tantrum and decides to send his angels down to Earth to open up a can of whoop-ass. There's one particular baby God has instructed his "legion" to kill. Unfortunately for Him, the Archangel Michael loves the humans so much that he gets here before God's army to help protect the unborn baby. So, it's a machine gun-totting Michael and a rag-tag group of ordinary folks stranded at a desert truck stop versus God's army.

"Professional" film critics pretty much panned Legion for its tired premise (which is similar in tone to the TV show Supernatural), lackluster acting and poor script, but I'm here to say, the hell with that! You know what? I liked Legion. I thought it was a fun escape on a Saturday afternoon and well, isn't that what a movie experience is supposed to be about? There's plenty of action, some chuckles here and there, yeah, some deadpan acting, but hey, this isn't supposed to be high-class theatre. If you're looking for high couture filmmaking, get a ticket to the thespian-filled When in Rome for Christ's sake. I mean, the poster alone, with the angel holding a knife in one hand and an uzi in the other should tell you this isn't Brokeback Mountain.

As much as I liked Legion, the film is not without its own share of problems. For starters; why is it that angels speak with British accents? Are all of God's top advisors from across the pond? And, if these are angels coming to kick ass and take names, why do they look like demons? And if they're angels, why do they curse and say terribly insulting things before trying to bite our throats out with pointy baby teeth? They're not exactly acting angelic!

Look, if you like films that provide a simplistic escape from everyday life for an hour and a half, then Legion is a fun-filled ride. If you're looking to come out of the theater with your life changed after witnessing a moving, well-acted masterpiece, then forget about it. I give Legion ***1/3 out of *****, exploding lesions and all.

Movie Review: Daybreakers

Daybreakers is a futuristic take on the vampire genre, and while it certainly has some pitfalls along the way, it's ultimately not a bad movie. In a world where vampires have overrun the population, food is becoming scarce (food in this case being humans). There's just not a lot of us left. So, an enterprising company (sleazily played by Sam Neill) has started harvesting humans as blood donors (this is the contraption you see in the movie poster above). Meanwhile, the company has some top-of-the-line vampire scientists trying to come up with a suitable blood substitute (one that doesn't cause the user to violently explode, that is!).

And in this story, when the vampires don't get blood on a regular basis, they recede into hideous, demonic creatures that are forced to live in the subbterranean levels of the city. They're looked upon as an entirely separate class of people and despised by the good-looking vampires.

Heading up the blood substitute program is cigarette-fiend, Edward Dalton (played rather gloomy by Ethan Hawke). Edward is feeling down that the humans are all but being eradicated. Like Frank Castanza as he's fighting for the Christmas doll for George, he feels "There's gotta be a better way!"

Thankfully, Edward smokes so much inside his car with the windows up that he doesn't see an oncoming car filled with escaping humans. They crash, he helps them avoid the cops and eventually, they meet up a little later and he joins their coalition, led by Lionel "Elvis" Cormac (played by the seriously cool Willem Dafoe). It's the goal of this coalition to find a "true" cure for the vampiric condition, which of course, the bad vamps don't really want.

This film has its good and bad moments. For me, I wish they would have spent more time on the undercity dwellers as that was an interesting twist in an otherwise tired genre. I also didn't think there was as much action or gore as many other reviews of the film have touted. I don't know, when I read a review that says the film was a gore-fest, I kind of expect it to be. This was a well made vampire drama with some action scenes and a couple of scenes where the wetworks fly. And to tell you the truth, Edwards chain-smoking was kind of ridiculous to me, not that I care about him smoking, but it was almost as if Marlboro financed the damn thing. Even still, it was a decent film and one that really shows the growth of the Spierig Brothers as filmmakers.

I give Daybreakers *** out of *****.

Vote for London Betty!!

Please take a minute of your time and visit http://www.nypost.com/spsections/hoboken/. Vote for Thomas Edward Seymour's latest film, London Betty. It looks hilarious! It only takes a second to vote, so come on, help out a true independent filmmaker.

DVD Review: Shuttle

If we as moviegoers ever put much weight on the plot lines in many of today's horror films, we'd never go on vacation. The difference this time, however; is that the terror happens after the victims return home to American soil. As two girls arrive home from their weekend trip to Mexico, they unwittingly accept a shuttle ride home for half the price of another bus. They are joined on the ride by two dudes (who you can tell right away are just going to be used as meat). Also on the bus is a weird older guy and of course, the driver (who looks and sounds like Tobin Bell's younger brother).

The film starts out promising enough, but then, it takes a wrong turn. The characters begin doing stupid things they shouldn't be doing while not doing the things they really should be doing. After a while, it gets really absurd and quite boring. Clocking in at over an hour and forty minutes, this is an exhaustive ride (and not in a good way). Shave about twenty minutes off of this thing and maybe we got a movie, but as is, this film plods along like a bus with four flats. This thing is so long and slow, they should have called it "18-Wheeler" instead of Shuttle. This film, like most shuttles, shows up late, has no idea where it's going and costs way too much (as in my time!).

DVD Review: Isle of the Damned

I don't care how you do it, you have to see Isle of the Damned! Simply put, I pissed myself laughing watching this movie. This is a true work of art.

Wigs, fake mustaches, seventies porn music, exaggerated dubbing, overblown violence and mutilation never looked so good as it does in this hilarious send up of classic Italian cannibal films. Written by Mark Leake and directed by Mark Colegrove, Isle of the Damned had me laughing from the opening credits all the way through the final scene. I can't say that of any other movie.

Two standout performances are that of Keith Tveit Langsdorf and Larry Gamber. Langsdorf's portrayal of Alexis Kincaid is truly memorable, especially the scene on the log when he reaches out to his fallen comrade and his hat flies off his head to reveal a huge, Don King-like wig. And when Gambler's Jack Steele tells young Billy, "We're gonna try, Billy. We're gonna try." you just can't help it but roll in laughter.

If you haven't guessed it by now, I loved Isle of the Damned, penis mutilations, torn up babies and all. This may just be my favorite film of the year. Look for it to be showing in some limited engagements in the early part of 2009. I give Isle of the Damned ***** out of *****!!

DVD Review: Bikini Bloodbath Carwash

Hmmm...bikinis, carwashes and bloodbaths? YES! The gang over at Bloodbath Pictures once again set out to titilate their audience with a second helping of boobs, bad words and blood and I, for one, couldn't be happier for it! In BBB2, Chef Death is accidentally raised from the dead to once again wreak havoc on a group of rather old-looking teens. The makers of this film really took on their sequel with vigor -- twice as many boobs in the opening sequence, twice as much Debbie Rochon and twice as much dancing!

Let's be honest, the dancing could have been cut down a bit, but I have to admit that the image of a blond-wig-wearing Russ Russo doing a frenetic breakdancing routine is forever etched on my retinas. And the homage to Michael Jackson's "Beat it!" was simply genius!

With more references to classic horror films (Aliens, Jaws and more) than you can shake a cleaver at, Bikini Bloodbath Carwash is just plain fun to watch. And Debbie Rochon rocks! Gather up a few friends, grab a few kegs and enjoy this film. In the words of Ms. Rochon, "Get me a beer, bitch!" BBB2 carves up **** out of *****.

CD Review: Not Everybody Gets a Happy Ending by Die So Fluid

When you first lay your eyes on Grog, the lead singer of Die So Fluid, you'll be mesmerized. Then, when you hear her voice, you'll have your ass handed to you bloody and beaten. How in the world a girl who looks like that can sound the way she does is beyond me but I'll tell you one thing -- I'm glad she does, because I've just found a favorite new band!

Hailing from London, England, this trio is as powerful a band as you'll ever hear. Every note is absolute perfection on this, their sophomore disc. Here, Grog and her bandmates, Mr. Drew and Al Fletcher, bring rock and roll to an entirely new level. I know I may be gushing, but it's not often one hears something utterly new and remarkable. From the crunching opening track, "Gang of One" to the final, title track, the listener is taken on an audio journey of pounding rythyms, driving guitars and awe-inspiring vocals. My personal faves are the epic "Vorvolaka" and the brilliant track, "The Kiss and Then The Kick." I can't say it enough, listen to this band, get this CD and welcome to the beginning of something special. What's even better? Die So Fluid is currently on tour in the U.S., so check them out live if you possibly can. I give Not Everybody Gets a Happy Ending ***** out of *****. If you need more pursuasion to check them out, their video for the single, "Existential Baby" is below.

Die So Fluid - Existential Baby
by drongodrew

DVD Review: Stalking Hand

With its hokey special effects, overzealous acting and Scooby-Doo sound effects, Stalking Hand: A Scary Movie! is an independent gem of a horror comedy! I have to admit, when I first glanced the trailer online, I had my misgivings. But as I watched the film, I discovered that even though the budget had to have been less than what's in the change compartment in my van, director Lou Vocknell and his cronies (not to be confused with Obama's or McCain's) had to have put a tremendous amount of love and attention in this baby.

One of the things I was immediately impressed with was the quality of the audio on this disc. There's nothing I hate more than a bad sound recording, and it is one of the most common fatalities in low budget films, but the audio track on Stalking Hand is quite clean, clear and crisp. The acting, as I said, is ham city, but with this type of film, it fits perfectly. All in all, I have to say that Stalking Hand was one of the better films I've watched as of late. Even though the film is filled with death, dismemberment and a rotting, disembodied hand, Stalking Hand is like a breath of fresh air. I give Stalking Hand ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Home Sick

With Bill Moseley and Tom Towles, two Devil's Rejects veterans, how can Home Sick be bad, right? Ugh, if only it wasn't true! This film is the ultimate love/hate relationship. There were certain things I loved and a ton of things I hated, and oddly enough, sometimes they were the same things!

Home Sick follows a group of druggie slackers who happen to have an unexpected visitor crash their party(?). This group is supposed to be friends, but with friends like these... Anyway, Mr. Suitcase, as he's called, asks everybody at the party to name someone they hate. After they mention the name, he takes a razor blade and cuts his forearm. The last guy he asks says, "I don't know...everybody in this room, man!" Gee, thanks pal! Needless to say, everyone who was mentioned starts getting killed off in some wonderfully gruesome ways (these parts were impressive). Sadly, this is the only scene with Bill Moseley. The film never goes into why he does what he does. Now, it's up to the slackers, who include a group of comatose poop heads and a girl who smokes two cigarettes at once (does she know how much they cost?) to figure out how to stop the demon on their trail.

The highlight of this film is definitely Tom Towles' performance and the scene at his kitchen table, which was hilarious. Other than that, this film was dismal, with a weird cast of characters who at times were fun to watch and other times, excruciating to watch. Home Sick vomits ** out of *****.

DVD Review: Side Sho

Oh, those damn carnies! Can't they ever catch a break? Why is it that roadside attractions are always the setting for murder, mayhem and monstrosities in the movies? No wonder they no longer decorate the landscape any more. We've been hoodwinked and hornswaggled into believing we'll die if we visit one!

Anyway, here we have the latest side show horror film called creatively enough, Side Sho. For a minute there, I thought this was another one of Full Moon's "urban horror movies." But nothing of the like! I admit that as the film started, I had my doubts. But after about a half an hour, I was glad that I stuck around for the ride. Side Sho actually wound up being a decent little film. Not perfect and not great by no stretch of the imagination, but more than entertaining enough. The story follows a family, led by a photobug father who just has to take pictures of every roadside attraction he can find. Unfortunately, when he stops by this side show, he gets more than he bargained for, including a forest full of inbred ex-cons, a dog-boy and a handful of freaks. Oh yeah, and I did chuckle at the Evil Dead homage. Darn tootin', this here Side Sho wasn't half bad! I give it *** out of *****, fo sho!

DVD Review: The Lodge

Now, I don't know about you, but when I rent a gorgeous lodge for the weekend in a remote area, the last thing I feel comfortable with is having the lodge's owner hanging around the entire time. And I certainly wouldn't share a smoke with him and tell him how I just got some "afternoon delight" from my hottie girlfriend a mere 25 minutes after meeting him. Not only that, but the duchebag in question here also goes on to tell the creepy caretaker how his girl is an animal in bed. Hmmm, do you see anything wrong with that picture?

Despite the ridiculous dialogue and contrived attempts at creating an atmosphere of dread, The Lodge is not ALL that bad. Hell, I at least finished it! Although that may have more to do with the gorgeous scenery that was interspersed throughout the movie than with actually being interested in the plot. You know it's a tough sell when you turn to your wife and say, "Look at that beautiful brook," in the middle of a horror movie. As a matter of fact, regardless of how bad things got for the two main characters in the film, I kept saying to myself, "I would love to live there!" I guess that goes to show just how scary The Lodge is. The Lodge opens its doors to ** out of *****.