DVD Review: Primal

When my email inbox notified me that I was getting the new release Primal, I was excited to say the least. As you probably already know, I'm a Bigfoot freak. I try to see every film, every documentary or television program about the beast and I try to read every book I can find on him as well. And while I love researching the big guy, I cannot say that I'm an expert on him. But of this I am certain, the monster in Primal is about as far away from Bigfoot as the Loch Ness Monster is! I actually had to reverse the DVD to make sure I saw what I thought I saw!

That being said, the monster is not just the film's weak spot, but it's also what makes the film so endearing. No, I'm not smoking Bigfoot dung! You have to watch the movie to see what I mean. Upon first glance of the beast, I was ready to take a hammer to my DVD player for displaying such a contrived juvenile monstrosity such as this before my eyes. But alas, my garage is in such a shambles, I had no choice but to let the disc play (what, get up and turn the disc off manually? Never!).

Once I settled into the movie, I was surprised to discover that I was actually liking this thing. I wasn't loving it, but I was sitting there with a stupid look on my face like the look I make when I actually get a warm Big Mac from my local McDonalds. A rare, nice surprise.

Oh, as for the plot, a bunch of kids venture into an unchartered part of the forest as they are doing a survelliance mission for big oil, and they get knocked off one by one by you know who (in a series of repetitive attacks). A small film that's big on ambition, Primal won't be winning any awards, but it was fun nonetheless. I give Primal *** out of *****.

10 Questions for...Tom Burns

Have you ever noticed how a film's score can add to the experience of watching a memorable movie? With subtle undertones, skin-crawling crescendos and light melodies composed to get the hair on the back of your neck to stand, Tom Burns has been stamping his fingerprint notes on many award-winning independent films like The Blood Shed and I'll Bury You Tomorrow as well as with his indie rock group, The Kimballs. A musician since the tender age of five, Tom Burns is also the founder of his own music production company, Really Horrible Music. It's truly my pleasure to give to you, 10 Questions for…Tom Burns!


1.) Dave: How did your career in music begin?

Tom: My Dad worked as a double bass player, and my Mom had done some singing, so music and musicians were regarded very highly in our house. When my aunt bought me a tiny drum kit for my fifth birthday, I realized that making music was what I wanted to do.

I played music in school every chance I got, and in my teens I played in bands with my friends, including drummer Michael Mark, my partner in THE KIMBALLS.

I also studied privately with the late Jack Winters, a brilliant percussionist and composer from the Manhattan avant-garde music scene. He introduced me to great 20th Century composers like György Ligeti, Krzysztof Penderecki and Iannis Xenakis, whose works inspired me to write and record my own compositions.


2.) Dave: Can you explain your process of scoring a film?

Tom: I start by watching a final cut of the film, and I talk with the director about what stylistic direction he or she wants to take the project in. We make notes regarding specific cues. Then I decide on the instrumentation and sound design, write some parts and record the music.

When I work on film projects with Alan Rowe Kelly, the process starts a lot earlier. I often go location scouting with him, so I start to get ideas for the score by walking through the “movie” in real-life!


3.) Dave: What inspires you creatively?

Tom: Listening to great, recorded music and watching great musicians perform always helps.


4.) Dave: What musical composition (either in film or outside of it) are you most proud of?

Tom: I’LL BURY YOU TOMORROW, “Main Theme. ” Orlando Wells is a world-class violinist and violist, and is also a good friend. He performed all of the live string playing on the recording. His virtuoso technique and his knowledge of extended techniques gave my score the balance of pretty/scary that I was shooting for.


5.) Dave: What is your all-time favorite film score (not your own) and why?

Tom: Max Steiner, KING KONG, 1933. The vivid musical themes make all of the characters bigger than life; the instrumentation is so rich, from Manhattan to Skull Island and back. It’s the template for the modern Hollywood blockbuster score.


6.) Dave: In most B-movies, the audio typically suffers, but not in the films where your music appears. How does your music remain so crisp in these films?

Tom: I was fortunate to learn from some of the best recording engineers in the industry, when I worked as an assistant engineer at Axis Studios in New York City. Pioneer, dance music producer Francois Kevorkian owned the studio, and his attention to detail is legendary!

After Axis closed and I started working as a freelance editor/engineer, I was able to put together a good project studio of my own, which is how I started Really Horrible Music. My dear friend Alan Rowe Kelly was my first client, and the first project we did was his film I’LL BURY YOU TOMORROW.


7.) Dave: Do you ever find yourself creatively blocked and if so, how do you get over it?

Tom: Get out of the studio! This weekend I went to a punk rock show with my wife, scream queen Katherine O’Sullivan and my good friend actor Jerry Murdock – we had a blast! After I’ve had some fun, I’m usually ready to get back to work.


8.) Dave: When you score a film, how much musical direction do you get from the director?

Tom: I think a good director knows he or she is working with a good composer when they can give you a final cut, tell you what they’re aiming for and then leave you to it.

Working with Alan Rowe Kelly is a special situation for me, because we’ve been friends for so long, and we have a lot of the same ideas about what’s cool in a horror film!


9.) Dave: What upcoming projects do you have in the works?

Tom: I just finished the score for Alan Rowe Kelly’s upcoming horror short, A FAR CRY FROM HOME. I used all vintage, analog equipment to convey the 1970’s grind-house feel that Alan had in mind. Now we have to sync everything to picture and mix the sound, so there’s plenty of work ahead.

I’m also expanding my Really Horrible Music studio to include post-production services, which is exciting but requires a lot of planning.

In March, I’m recording a free improvisation session with my old friend Richard Kimball; that should be fun. His band, Panic Attack Pills, has a terrific song in A FAR CRY FROM HOME.


10.) Dave: If you were able to pick a project, any project, what would your dream project be?

Tom: My dream project is always my current project. I hope they keep coming!



Between composing films, writing or performing with The Kimballs and managing Really Horrible Music, Tom is incredibly busy, so I am truly honored that he has taken the time to spend with us here today. To learn more about this magical composer, check out his Myspace page at http://www.myspace.com/reallyhorriblemusic. For more on The Kimballs, visit http://www.myspace.com/thekimballs or the band's official website at http://www.thekimballsrock.com/.

*Photo by George Schaller

DVD Review: Boogeyman 2

Ghosthouse rolls out the second installment in its Boogyman franchise and while it's definitely better than the first, it still has a way to go. Boogeyman 2 features the talent of one Tobin Bell, who is better known as Jigsaw in the Saw films and while his acting is good, it's not really that far of a stretch for the actor. Here's what I liked about this film: the "boogeyman" was a little more effective in this film, expecially since it wasn't a CGI character, there were a few "jump" instances and the sound was quite good. Plus, the plot was a little better this time around, although it's not what you would call robust.

The plot follows a brother and sister, who watched as their parents were brutally murdered when they were young. After the brother finally gets out of the psychiatric hospital, his sister decides to go in to fight her fear of the boogeyman. Unfortunately, it looks like the boogeyman followed her in and one by one, people start to die.

The characters in this film are all rather annoying and you really don't feel too bad when they bite the dust. Boogeyman 2 plays like a cross between Boogeyman and the Freddy Krueger films, and while it doesn't really work, it was at least watchable. There is a third Boogeyman in the works, so it will be interesting to see if it can advance on the series the way this one did on the first. As for Boogeyman 2, I give it **1/2 out of *****.

Short Film Review: The Pod

Jeremiah Kipp's well-received short film The Pod came across my desk the other day and I have to say, once I watched it, I immediately had to watch it again. The film has been making its way on the indie movie circuit and has been granted many good reviews and has even been selected as One of the 10 Best Unseen Films of 2006 by Film Threat, so needless to say, my interest was piqued.

My first reaction was, "This isn't a horror film." But once you let the film set in, you begin to realize the layers and the complexities that the film encompasses. It is only then that you realize, while it's not horror in the traditional sense, it is horror on an emotional level. The Pod stays with you long after the 19 minutes are up and it's one of those films that can instigate some good movie conversations.

As for the plot, the film follows the crumbling relationship of Caroline and Jonas. In an act of desperation to regain their connection, Jonas purchases a dose of the new relationship drug, the pod. The only thing is, you can't take the drug separately from your lover. If you do, look out. Needless to say, Jonas does.

The film is masterfully directed by Kipp, and he increases the tension with each passing minute. In addition, his actors do their jobs perfectly. Especially noteworthy was the performance of Mary Remington, who played the character Caroline with ruthless abandon. Another thing about the film that struck me as significant was that the film's soundtrack was absolutely perfect. At times hectic and crazy, it totally set the mood for the film without you even knowing it.

This is a short film that I can definitely see being expanded into a feature-length film at some time. I think that the premise is excellent to support it, and I would definitely welcome another dose of The Pod. I give it ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Hack!

Pop question, hotshot. What do you get when you combine the former good girl next door from the Wonder Years, a former soap-opera heartthrob, Duke and Paulie from the Rocky movies, the former vampire queen from Buffy, Kane Hodder and William Forsythe? Well, you get one hell of a fun movie, that's what! The horror/comedy Hack! takes you back to the good old days of slasher films.

All throughout the movie, you are treated to honorable nods to horror's past. For instance, if you look closely, you'll notice the name of the boat that takes to the co-eds to the island is Orca. Plus, with character names like Bates, Argento and Q, you know that writer/director Mike Flynn appreciates that which he pokes fun.

The film starts out brilliantly with Kane Hodder cast in the unenviable position that his victims are normally in. From there, we tag along with a group of co-eds as they travel to a remote island, the guests of the filmmakers who live there, for a weekend of studying nature. One-by-one, the co-eds begin to fall in traditional and enjoyable fashion. In terms of plot, Hack! is anything but surprising, but what is truly surprising is that you won't even care, because yes, it is well made and quite funny. I give Hack! **** out of *****. C'mon, if you don't laugh when the girl in the cage yells to William Forsythe, "Free us, Willy!" then you don't know what's funny.

10 Questions for...Mike Lane

Today, I get the immense pleasure of interviewing one of today’s most versatile actors on the independent film scene, Mike Lane. Currently, Mike is receiving critical acclaim for his portrayal of Hubcap Bullion in the unabashedly brilliant film, The Blood Shed. An actor whose subtleties speak volumes, he has the uncanny ability to steal any scene that he’s a part of, even if he’s slightly off center (screen, that is). I’m thrilled to give you 10 Questions for…Mike Lane!

1.) Dave: What was your first role and how did you land the part?

Mike: I played an up and coming mobster in an independent movie shot on Long Island. I think the original actor had bailed and I was called and given the part really close to the shooting day. It might have been the night before.

I was really sick that day and my face looked was really pale. More pale than usual. I had no lines but I got to beat up the lead character. Alas, I was then killed by a baseball bat.

I never received a copy of the movie and don’t even know if it was finished.

That was eight years ago.

Another one of my early gigs was an extra in a Verizon commercial. Times Square in New York City was closed off overnight and I along with hundreds of actors stood in the middle of the street making “V” signs with our hands. I don’t do extra work anymore.

2.) Dave: When did you know that you wanted to be an actor?

Mike: I had always enjoyed acting as kid and I used to make movies at home and school with friends.

What triggered my desire to pursue acting as a career was when I saw Star Wars Episode I :The Phantom Menace. I looked at Anakin at the end and thought “Wow he looked like me when I was his age. Wouldn’t it be cool if I had a part in a Star Wars movie?” After that thought, I had an epiphany that I wanted to be an actor. How’s that for a thought process?

I’m sure something else would have triggered this urge to act but it just happened to be Star Wars. I wrote about this experience in detail at: http://www.lightanddark.net/MikeLaneCommentary.htm#Star_Wars_and_Me

3.) Dave: What does your family think about your career choice and the films you’ve been in?

Mike: They are extremely supportive regarding my career. They were naturally worried at first due to the competitive nature of the business but they knew that I knew the risks involved.

My dad has watched everything I’ve done. My mom can’t watch me in any of my horror movies though since they’re not her thing.

I do feel very awkward when they watch a scene I’m in that has any kind of sexual content. It’s weird that I can watch movies I’m in with my Dad where I’m hacking people to pieces or getting killed, but if a naked woman is next to me in a scene I feel strange. What a society we live in.


4.) Dave: How do you prepare for a role?

Mike: It all starts with the text. I take the lines off the page and respond instinctually to each line at the moment. I follow a lot of the guidelines in How to Stop Acting by Harold Guskin which is the best acting book I’ve read. Starting with the text is one of them.

I’ve recently read the book so I look forward to putting Guskin’s approach into action. I had a much different approach in the past.

I also do some research on the characters I play but I don’t go too crazy with it. For example in my next movie, Scott Perry’s Insatiable, I play a wannabe vampire who is a serial killer. I have read a bunch articles about why real wannabe vampire serial killers do what they do just to get into their head. My research does sometimes creep in the scene at the moment. It’s all about the moment and I don’t want to force anything while acting. I sound, like, so Zen, man.

Guskin’s technique stresses that the actor still explore the possibilities of the character even during the performance. This makes the acting spontaneous, unpredictable and exciting. I strive for those qualities in any performance I give.

5.) Dave: Who or what inspires you creatively?

Mike: I am inspired by failure. When I hear of a person who had success and then lost it or never had success but tried, I feel better. This inspires me since there is someone worse off or in the same boat as me. This makes me feel better about myself, more comfortable and inspires me to work in a creative capacity. Misery certainly loves company.

I hate hearing success stories because they present a false sense of reality. Not everyone who tries to succeed will succeed. It’s a fact of life. A lot of shows and products try to convince you that anything is possible and this is not always the case. Plus I get jealous and envious of really successful people flaunting their wares around.

I certainly hope for the best but expect the worst.

On a more positive note, almost anything and everything is inspiring to me. Music, books, movies, talk radio, great debates, looking outside my window, people watching etc. Sometimes the simplest things get my creative juices flowing.

Some of my favorite movies deal with an underdogs fight against the establishment. Movies like Dead Poets Society, Glory and the original Star Wars trilogy come to mind and that is very inspiring.

6.) Dave: Did you have any input into your character in The Blood Shed, Hubcap Bullion, and whose idea was it for you to wear the hair clips (genius, by the way)?

Mike: Yes I had input on Hubcap. What’s great about Alan Rowe Kelly is that he is so receptive when it comes to creative input from anyone involved in his movie.

The character description for Hubcap was that he is “a lazy eyed sloth.” I immediately thought of the trick I can do with my eye which is usually the face I make when I’m just waking up.

When I read “sloth” I thought of slow and lazy so I started speaking Hubcap’s lines really slow. During the first table read, my lines were spoken even slower than they are in the movie. After discussing Hubcap with Alan we tweaked the character and decided to speed up my delivery.

The character of Hubcap also evolved during the shoot and I threw in some improvised rambling and other actions during some scenes.

The Blood Shed was a truly collaborative effort with Alan having the final say. Most of the time, however, he just let the actors do what we wanted but was always there if we had a question. This is one of the reasons why the movie was incredibly fun to shoot, why it turned out as great as it did and why Alan is one of my favorite directors to work with.

The hair clips as well as Hubcap’s wardrobe and look were all from the beautifully demented mind of Alan Rowe Kelly. Let’s not forget my tattered fishing vest and arm full of watches.


7.) Dave: What do you like to do when you’re not acting?

Mike: I’ve been getting into eating a raw vegan diet. I’ve been a vegan for over seven years but I’m slowly trying to transition to eating more of a raw diet since it’s one of the healthiest ways to eat. It’s a pain in the ass since to prepare some of the food because it’s a complete lifestyle change but I am enjoying the health benefits.

I also like going to raw vegan restaurants, hanging with friends at bars that play great music, reading, going to movies, spending time with family and friends, playing guitar and listening to Howard Stern, music and other kinds of talk radio while I work. Sirius satellite radio rules!

There must be a balance between my professional and personal life. If there is not, I will go insane. I recently figured this out. It took me long enough.


8.) Dave: What are the best and worst things about being an actor in independent films?

Mike: Let’s save the worst for last.

One of the best parts is that a lot of the work is edgier since there is rarely any compromise. I’m attracted to that kind of work regardless of the genre. Taking that kind of risk is exciting.

The camaraderie is great in indie film. The actors and crew are all together since there is usually no budget for separating everybody into trailers so a family atmosphere is created. The Blood Shed was one of the best sets ever because of this camaraderie.

The Worst:

The money is not good for anybody. Everybody is roughing it from the actors to the crew.

Since the money is not good there are sometimes not the most professional people involved. I’ve seen and experienced loads of incompetence. Some examples are::

-Actors and/or crew being late or not showing up
-Not receiving a finished movie after working incredibly hard on it
-Movies not being completed and not receiving a copy after working incredibly hard on them.
-Not being paid when promised I would.

I can go on and on. If I did this only for the money I would have quit a long time ago.

9.) Dave: Your talent has been widely recognized in films like The Tenement and The Blood Shed. Have you ever considered making the leap to Hollywood?

Mike: No. I’m a New Yorker. I have friends and family here. I would go to Hollywood if the work was available though. I would go anywhere to work but I would not like looking for a job in an unfamiliar place.

I would like to have Hollywood come to me instead of the other way around. With the advent of digital filmmaking and the internet making the world smaller, it’s not a necessity to go there. I know most film and TV work is found in Hollywood but if I’m going to “make it” it will be on my terms.

10.) Dave: What will we be seeing you in next?

Mike: Bill Zebub’s The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made will be premiering February 21st at The Clash Bar in Clifton NJ at 9pm. I play the Muslim Bartender and Gay Witness which are both principal roles. The movie will most likely be distributed since all of Bill’s movies land some kind of distribution. It’s a wildly offensive comedy that, believe it or not, does contain a positive message.

I recently had my whole face and body cast for an exhibit at the Civil War Museum in Kenosha Wisconsin. My likeness will be used to portray a hungry soldier.

I can also be seen as the focal point of a print ad for Dentek.

I’m currently the lead role Scott Perry’s Insatiable and a supporting player in the audio drama The Age of the Swords from Lion’s Mouth Entertainment. I also have a role in Alan’s The Hollows shooting in March.

I have other projects lined up but I won’t announce them until they are definite. Fortunately I’ve been keeping busy.

Without a doubt, Mike Lane is one of the most talented and versatile character actors of our time and with his incredible ability, he’s sure to get the notoriety he deserves. I want to thank Mike for taking a few moments out of his busy schedule to answer my questions. For more information about Mike, visit his website at http://www.lightanddark.net/MikeLane.htm, and then check out the website for his most recent film, The Blood Shed at http://www.thebloodshed.net/.

DVD Review: I'll Bury You Tomorrow

This much I now know. Alan Rowe Kelly is a genius. Hey, I'm not just saying that because I loved The Blood Shed (read the review HERE) and I was also granted a great interview him (click HERE to read it). I'm saying it because I just watched his first movie, I'll Bury You Tomorrow, and for a first-time director, it was very, very good. Why? How about the fact that even though it took three years to complete, the film is seamless. How about the fact that he has actors in his films who quite simply are amazing. Or, how about the fact that his films have a professional look, sound and feel to them that you simply don't get from many other independent films. I'll Bury You Tomorrow features a brilliant cast - Katherine O'Sullivan, Zoe Daelman Chlanda and perhaps most noteworthy, Jerry Murdock, as he takes on the challenge of dual characters effortlessly.

The plot follows a young, mysterious woman who takes on a job at a small town funeral home. To say that she has some skeletons in the closet is an understatement! Anyway, here's what ensues - corpse stealing, black market organ selling, murder, high drama and oh yeah, necrophilia. No, Alan Rowe Kelly doesn't play by the rules. In fact, this little independent thriller even breaks the rules by clocking in at a minute shy of two hours! I have to admit, while watching this film, I was transported back to the glory days of campy horror. The tone of the film, the angles, the acting, the design, the Hitchcock-esque score - they're all indicative of an Alan Rowe Kelly film. Watch this film very closely and you will quietly see a great filmmaker being born right before your eyes. I give I'll Bury You Tomorrow **** out of *****.

10 Questions for...Alan Rowe Kelly

Boy, are we in for a treat today! I was recently able to grab a few minutes with one of independent film’s busiest and most talented people. One of horror’s most glamorous scribes, Alan Rowe Kelly not only writes his films, but he acts, produces and directs them as well. His latest film, The Blood Shed, recently won the Best Feature award at the Dark Carnival Film Festival. A true talent in the industry, and one who Next Tuesday Magazine voted Best Director and Best Writer for his debut film I’ll Bury You Tomorrow in 2003, I am extremely pleased and incredibly honored to give you 10 Questions for…Alan Rowe Kelly!


1.) Dave: How did you get your first start in film?

Alan: A total accident! 1999 is when I began my 4-year journey of getting I’ll Bury You Tomorrow written, filmed, edited and distributed. Previous to that, my experience began as a make-up artist in the film and television industry – which I still work at it steadily today. Becoming a filmmaker happened quite by accident. My partners on IBYT had their own film & video production company and I worked many jobs for them as a make up stylist. We discussed our love for the genre and how fun it would be to make an old fashioned B-horror film and 'Bingo' - a fire alarm went off in my head. “Free equipment!” Once we realized how much money we would save on equipment, rentals, etc., we decided to go for it! They had the technical know-how and I had the writing talent and organizational skills for producing. We figured once we got started, we would quickly know if filming a horror movie would be 'a go' for us or not.

I’ll Bury You Tomorrow was not an easy shoot. It took three years to make, primarily shooting on weekends. My biggest challenge was to simply complete it! It took its toll on the cast and crew and, for some time, it looked as if it was never going to happen. Leads dropped out and had to be replaced. Scenes had to be shot over, money ran out, and the interest from partners dwindled. But like most low-budget movies, we made it through and the completion itself is a testament to the tenacity and support of my cast and crew. I never skimped on time or rushed through something to get it done. Since it was my first time as a director – and that was only because the “original director” never showed up for the first days of shooting - I aimed for an amount of professionalism on screen and behind-the-scenes, and, quite fortunately, everyone involved believed in it too. The film did very well on the indie circuit, won awards and was my initiation into this crazy world of independent horror.

2.) Dave: What is your writing routine like?

Alan: It’s a daily thing. At least 2 to 3 hours a day/night – whenever it comes to me. There is no rhyme or reason to the way I write but I love to tell a good story. I still type like a newspaper reporter in an old movie! I don’t use the script programs, or format my pages, or utilize any of the easier methods available for a writer on a computer. I am very old fashioned that way.

But at least when I’m done, every actor, cameraman, editor and producer who reads my script always comes back knowing exactly where the story, the characters, the setting, and look of the film is going. My scripts are part novella, part production notes all in one. It just works for me and my crew that way, so why fix it if it ain’t broke?

It excites me even to know that my point of view on paper can look exactly as written on film – if not better. So when its time for cast readings, rehearsals, and the actual filming, everyone knows and understands exactly where they have to be – yet still have plenty of room for improvisation.

I am totally glued to my scripts until that very moment when I call “Action”. Then everything tends to change, and usually for the better. I use my scripts only as a template the work day – so if changes have to be made, we make them right there at that very moment. I’m not overly attached to my words, just the point they get across on camera. And if an actor has an easier and more beneficial way of conveying that point – I’m all for it! As long as it looks good and the story moves smoothly.

The Blood Shed was a very different script than what I normally write. It was mostly a series of vignettes like many foreign films follow. A sort of “a day in the life of…” storyline. The Blood Shed was originally written as a short for the horror anthology Hung By A Thread. But it became so much bigger when filming it that we had to make it a feature. I found it very interesting that a lot of American critics really liked the film – but felt it totally lacked a plot of any kind. I always thought it had a strong beginning, middle and end. But then, a lot of folks expect a film to be only one way in structure without deviation of any kind. In the end, I’m the one who is happy with the results. If I can’t look at that film and like it – no one else is going to either.


3.) Dave: What are your favorite and least favorite parts of the filmmaking process?

Alan: All the aspects of filmmaking are my favorite part! From conception, to pre- production, to filming, to post and it’s release. Each step is a different job where I get to wear many different hats and thrive in each department. I just want to know ALL there is to making and completing a film. I want be knowledgeable of what everyone does. That’s a director’s job. That’s my favorite part, creating with other talented minds and making movies. I have learned SO much and continue to learn more and more. It’s been a remarkable education. My least favorite part about filmmaking is Financing! It is the hardest part and the dirtiest. Always an uphill battle!

4.) Dave: What inspires you creatively?

Alan: A good scare. A great horror movie. Anything that is offbeat or bent.


5.) Dave: Where did the idea for The Blood Shed come from?

Alan: It was originally slated as a short for the Hung By A Thread horror anthology that I’m producing with filmmakers’ Michael Todd Schneider and Tyler Tharpe. I knew the “cannibal family” theme had been used to the umpteenth power and I didn’t want to copy all of the Mother’s Day-American Gothic-Hills Have Eyes-TCM films, so instead we parodied them. We knew the film would be vulgar, loud, tasteless and nutty – but I never thought it would be so hilarious until we started editing. Then we began laughing our asses off! We could have taken the film it to a total serious level if we wanted, but I thought we had sort of a unique hybrid here and wanted to go for something entirely different. Everyone compares it to a John Waters’ film, simply because there is really nothing else to compare it too and you have a large man in a dress! We knew from the beginning that viewers would either love it or totally hate it. It’s just that kind of movie and I wasn’t afraid to take that chance because I loved the finished product so much. And the reviews have been very good indeed, considering!


6.) Dave: As a writer, director, producer and actor, your talents are evident and quite impressive. Do you have any artistic or non-artistic endeavors outside of filmmaking?

Alan: No! LOL! I’m such a nerd! My fun is driving, scouting and photographing film locations, writing, and watching bad B-horror! And I’ll never say no to drinks at a bar with friends! But I have to admit that my favorite thing to do is hike and climb in the woods.

7.) Dave: Jerry Murdock, Joshua Nelson, Katherine O’Sullivan and Zoë Daelman Chlanda have been in a number of your films. Where did you all meet and what’s it like working with them?

Alan: I’m more than happy to talk about how special these people are! Jerry, Katherine and Zoë I met while auditioning roles for I’ll Bury You Tomorrow.

They have been my great friends ever since and just recently Katherine married my dear friend and music composer Tom Burns. They met on the set of IBYT! I will always work with these talents and try to put them in every film I do. And now following The Blood Shed with my next (and best!) completed piece A Far Cry From Home for Hung By A Thread, I have added the great talents of Joshua Nelson, Terry M. West, Mike Lane, Susie Adriensen, Don Money, Robert Norman, Sandra Schaller and Benzy to my acting roster! I have to admit I have been extremely fortunate in the acting department as far as the talent I have been able to assemble. They give their all, believe in my projects and are pretty fearless in the chances they take once the camera rolls. I think they trust me enough to know that I would never let anything less than their best takes appear on screen. We’ve really become quite a close-knit family. That’s the best reward.

8.) Dave: With the positive reviews for The Blood Shed pouring in, will we be seeing you and the gang at any upcoming horror conventions in 2008?

Alan: I will be attending Chiller this May as a vendor and hitting a lot of film festivals to promote Hung by A Thread. But I’ll be quite honest Dave, for the years I’ve been in this business and for all the press I get, I have yet to be invited as a guest to ANY of these big convention events with all the other indie directors and stars. If I don’t pay for a vendor table, I have to stand on line for hours to get a ticket to see people I know and work with – so go figure! It’s a bit tired.

9.) Dave: With Pink Eye and Hung by a Thread hopefully being released soon, what can we expect next from the twisted mind of Alan Rowe Kelly?

Alan: I just finished producing a fantastic short thriller called By Her Hand for award-winning director Anthony G. Sumner (W.O.R.M.). I loved working on this project and especially being asked to produce it, cast it, art direct it and use my aesthetic throughout the film. Presently I am completing a script for a web series called The Hollows that will begin shooting this March. Zoë, Katherine, Jerry and myself will be in it, as well as Raine Brown, Keith Fraser, Jessie May Laumann, Miguel Lopez, and Blood Shed’s Susan Adriensen, Josh Nelson and Mike Lane. There’s a few more ‘special guests’ whom I still need to confirm, and once that’s in place we’re ready to go! It will be five 24-minute episodes in the vein of Twin Peaks and Dark Shadows. It’s a new medium and I want to try it out!

I also have a ton of screenplays ready to film! Unhallowed Ground, SPORE! A Murder of Crows, Sudden Fear and a Xmas horror tale called You Better Watch Out! There is also a Blood Shed sequel floating around, just in case we decide to go really crazy! So as you can see I have a lot of stories to tell and each one takes on a different category or theme in the horror genre. I never wish to write or make the same film twice.

As for acting, I’ll appear in the The Hollows this March/April and a bunch of films I co-starred will be debuting throughout 2008 such as Bart Mastronardi’s Vindication, Stolis Hadjicharalambous’ Crossed, Michael Todd Schneider’s Opening The Mind and Tate Steinsiek’s The Devoured.

10.) Dave: Where do you see both yourself and your film career in five years?

Alan: I hope I’m still right here David! LOL! Only in five years I’d like to have all the screenplays mentioned above as completed films and expand my production company to support and produce not only films I want to make, but also the works of other talented filmmakers as well. I want to be the Roger Corman of my day and always remain independent. I love this genre and all the changes it goes through. I’ll always work extremely hard to maintain a strong sense of production value and tell a good story. I just want to continue to make movies as best as I can, and my way.

I want to thank my guest, Alan Rowe Kelly, for giving us a brief glimpse into his life as one of today’s most important independent filmmakers. For more information about this incredible talent, visit his website at http://www.alanrowekelly.net/ or check out the website for his recently released film The Blood Shed at http://www.thebloodshed.net/.

CD Review: The Traveling Vampire Show by Calabrese

They're baaaack! One of the best, hell, THE best horror rock band has returned with their second serving of hot, steaming intestinal tracks! Yes, I give you Calabrese! The boys, after winning the award for best horror rock band last year, could have settled for a mediocre sophomore effort, but what they did was completely the opposite. As awesome as 13 Hallowe'ens was, in many respects The Traveling Vampire Show is superior! The recording is better, the playing is crisper and the lyrics are bloodier! The CD features 12 hard rocking tunes and it sounds unbelievable when cranked! The band wastes no time in getting back in your face as the CD kicks off with the gruesome "Death Eternal." Over the course of the disc, you're treated to some of the best rock you've ever heard! My favorite track is "Vampires Don't Exist," or it could be "Night in the Lonesome October," hell, I'm not sure! Like I've said before, I don't care if you love or hate horror rock, Calabrese cannot be denied! Before this band is through, all will bow before their shadow. Just like 13 Hallowe'ens before it, The Traveling Vampire Show gets ****** out of *****. That's not a typo. It gets 6 out of 5 stars! Grab a copy today! Click the banner at the bottom of the page to visit the band's website and while you're at it, check out their video for "Voices of the Dead" immediately below.

DVD Review: Werewolf: The Devil's Hound

Hmmm, nice title, nice box design, could this be a diamond in the rough? No doubt about it, I love werewolf movies, when they're done right that is. Films like Dog Soldiers and the Ginger Snaps series have been some of the better movies on the subject, but boy have there been some crappers too. Wolf and Cursed anyone? Anyway, when I came across this flick, I just had to check it out, and in truth, it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it wasn't as good as it should have been. Werewolf: The Devil's Hound is like watching three films in one. It starts off as an action movie, then tranforms into a serious melodrama and ultimately ends up as a slapstick comedy. The amazing thing - when taken individually, they each work, but as a whole, it leaves you feeling bewildered. The plot follows a female werewolf who is boxed up and shipped on a tanker to parts unknown when the shipment accidentally ends up on American soil. She escapes and bites a young pyrotechnic named Kevin. What ensues is pretty good as the drama unfolds and the Kevin's girlfriend gets pissed that this other woman is around all the while the guy is undergoing the "change." But it's the end of the film that really surprised me. When VonBunsen enters the picture (where he came from, I don't know) things get silly. Suddenly, it turns into a martial arts/werewolf farce and yes, I was laughing through it all. As far as the werewolf makeup is concerned, Kevin's make-up was great, as he never fully "changed," but the female werewolf? Where did they come up with that design? I've never seen so much puffy hair on a werewolf! Overall, it was entertaining, if not certainly off-balance. I believe most people wouldn't care for it, but I appreciate the filmmaker's attempt. That's why I give Werewolf: The Devil's Hound **1/2 out of *****. It's no Ginger Snaps, but it's not Cursed either. Check out the trailer for Werewolf: The Devil's Hound below.

The Blood Shed Trailer

Here's the trailer for one of my favorite films of 2007! Check it out, then read my review of the film directly below and then, go rent this film and see for yourself why it gets 5 Stars!!

DVD Review: The Blood Shed

Inbred backwoods cannibals, living in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey? What is this, a documentary? I think I noticed a few of my neighbors in this film! Yep, The Blood Shed brings the murderous inbred hillbilly genre to the Garden State, and man, is it an enjoyable ride! This film has it all - blood, laughs, snarling, roadkill, psychotic grandmothers, ball busting, Little LuLu - I mean everthing! The mastermind behind this film is Alan Rowe Kelly, who also happens to play "12-year old" Beeftina. The film is directed perfectly and you can really tell the actors relish their roles, playing it up as effectively as ever. Plenty of violence, B-movie gore and black humor make The Blood Shed easily one of my favorite movies of 2007. The film, as low budget as it is, features remarkably good quality in both video and audio. From this point on, when I'm asked for a movie recommendation, The Blood Shed will definitely be at the top of the list. The Blood Shed drips ***** out of *****. It's a perfect movie!

Here are some Hot-Off-The-Press Trailers for You!

Teeth - You won't believe what this one is about! Oh snap! Literally!

The Eye - Jessica Alba sees dead people.

Cloverfield - The most anticipated film of the new year? It is for me so far.

Wall*E - Disney and Pixar's latest masterpiece.

Hancock - Will Smith's next summer blockbuster.

The Signal - The evil that men do.

The Orphanage - A ghost story produced by Guillermo del Toro? It has to be good!

Speed Racer - Oh boy, what's the product blitz going to be like for this one? Definitely one of the most colorful films of the new year!

DVD Review: Captivity

If you can remember, Captivity made headlines with its unique billboards in California. The billboards depicting a woman's abduction, confinement, torture and termination were simply too much for the public to bear and they were judicially made to remove them. So, you can imagine when the film came out on DVD, I just had to see what all the fuss was about! Here's my review of Captivity in classic Captivi-tay style!

Abduction - The opening of Captivity is pretty good. It sucked me in and garnered my interest. The violence was gruesome and the opening sequence was pretty effective.

Confinement - Okay, the film is moving at a pretty brisk pace, I feel as if I will stick with it to the end. Again, the level of gore is pretty good for a Hollywood movie, although at this point, the film doesn't feel like a big Hollywood horror movie.

Torture - Sonofabitch I knew it! It couldn't keep this level up. Suddenly, on a dime, the damn movie turns from being a pretty effective psychological thriller into a meaningless piece of Big Hollywood crap! Goodness gracious!

Termination - The ending of the film is so ridiculous, so contrived, so stupid that I have to wonder if the makers of the film got tired of working on it and just wanted to finish it off. I am livid at this point and I want to grab something to break - hey, this DVD of Captivity is just the thing!

I hate it when a film starts out good only to fall into an abyss of crap. Now, we can add Captivity to that ever-growing list. Maybe next time, the studio will focus on making a good film rather than using an advertising ploy to get people to recognize it! Damn! Captivity gets ** out of *****.

Bikini Bloodbath Trailer

Here's the trailer for Bikini Bloodbath, the latest release from Bloodbath Pictures! Check this out and then read my review of the DVD below!

DVD Review: Bikini Bloodbath

A film full of bouncing boobies, buckets of blood and a barrage of bad words is what the gang at Bloodbath Pictures set out to make, and make it they did! Bikini Bloodbath is a hilarious horror-spoof from the masterminds who brought us Land of College Prophets, and like that movie, Bikini Bloodbath is impressively made for such a small independent group. You can tell with each film these guys produce, they get better at their craft. The editing is better, the video and sound quality is better and the actors prove themselves quite versatile. While the film's plot is pretty much summed up as a crazy French chef killing everyone he comes into contact with (still not sure why, but it doesn't really matter), this is not a film you're going to watch and discuss the reasonings behind making it. This is a film to just chill out with and laugh. Genre-vet Debbie Rochon was absolutely great in the film, although I wish she could have stuck around longer! Her lesbo-tactics had me laughing hysterically. While not a mind-blowing film, you may blow a gut laughing, and that's exactly what the filmmakers were going for, so they definitely succeeded there. Yeah, I really liked Bikini Bloodbath, because it is what it is - a man's movie! And if you don't like boobies, blood and bad words, then you're not a man, man. I give Bikini Bloodbath ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

Throughout history, there have only been a few sequels that were better than the original - The Empire Strikes Back was better than Star Wars, many people think that Godfather 2 was better than the first, and now, Wrong Turn 2 can be added to that tiny list of exceptions. Now, I happened to like the original, but Wrong Turn 2 kicks it up a notch! This is one direct-to-DVD release which should have seen the theaters. The effects are really good and it is very well made. I was nervous about the characters at first, but surprisingly, they turned out to be really good. Henry Rollins is the man (although I can't say I approve for how he goes out, kinda wimpy). The story follows a group of reality television contestants filming a new show out in the West Virginia woods (never a good idea). Suddenly, they start getting picked off by those nasty, inbred hillbillies (in West Virginia?). The killing starts early and it doesn't relent! This is by far the best inbred mutant cannibalistic murdering hillbilly movie made! These bulbous-headed bastards make the gang in Hills Have Eyes 1 & 2 look lame! They make Leatherface look like a pansy-ass! For a rip-roaring good time, where people are split in two, exploded, tortured and maimed, take a right turn down Wrong Turn 2: Dead End! It breeds ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Wind Chill

I love it when you pick up a DVD, without having any prior information about it, and it turns out to be a pretty good movie. In the past, such notable films like Dead Birds and Satan's Little Helper were discovered exactly the same way. Now, it happens again with Wind Chill. This movie is not only shot very well, but the actors turn in fine performances as well. The story follows a college girl looking for a ride home for the holidays. She finds one from another classmate, who may or may not be a stalker. Anyway, during the drive to her home, she discovers that her driver is not who he claims to be and that winds up being the best part of the trip! The two actors, Emily Blunt and Ashton Holmes do a great job of creating personal tension between the two of them. When Holmes makes a bad decision on their driving route, their car ends up on the side of the road, stranding them in a no man's land of ice and snow. While the area is secluded, they are not alone. What happens next is tense, fun and well done! Wind Chill is one of this year's nice surprises. I give it ****1/2 out of *****.

Book Review: Dead Man's Song by Jonathan Maberry

Ah yes, it feels good to be back in Pine Deep! Dead Man's Song is the second in a horror trilogy by Bram Stoker award winning author Jonathan Maberry and it is just as riveting as the first chapter, Ghost Road Blues. This book picks up right where the first one ends, with Crow and Val recovering from their battle with Karl Ruger. However, everything is still not right in Pine Deep. Tow-Truck Eddie is still on the search for the Anti-Christ, the dead walk, Mayor Wolfe is losing his grip, Dr. Weinstock makes a horrifying discovery and that's just the start of it. This book is exactly what the middle part of a trilogy should be - a furthering of a complex story, while building up for a major finale. I simply cannot wait for the final chapter of this good versus evil epic. Don't keep us waiting too long Jonathan! My only beef with the book? The person who edited it. Jonathan, please, tell the publisher to find a better editor next time. Other than the poor editing, it's another stellar book from one of horror's best! ****1/2 out of *****!

DVD Review: The Tripper

Coming from the sometimes-warped mind of David Arquette, I figured The Tripper was going to be a spasmic, fun, spaced-out killer ride. But instead what I got was spasmic, slow and ultimately disappointing one. The set-up was good, about a bunch of stoners heading into the woods for a mini-Woodstock-type festival only to slaughtered by a madman wearing a Ronald Reagan outfit. There are certainly environmental and governmental overtures throughout the movie, but at times, they seemed to overshadow the fun of it all. Plus, I gotta ask you, is there any work out there for Jason Mewes where he isn't playing a stoner? He was so annoying in this movie that I uttered "finally" when he got whacked. The killing wasn't thrilling, there was never a sense of tension, and not even Pee-Wee Herman himself could shed light on this one. However, Thomas Jane did make me chuckle with his performance as the Sherriff. With so many drug references and psychadelic effects, I think Arquette hopes people are stoned while they're watching the movie. Alas, it may be the only way to enjoy it. The Tripper trips up and gets ** out of *****.

DVD Review: Flight of the Living Dead

I have to say, I was quite worried about this one. I mean, come on, how can they make a movie based on zombies on an airplane? Well, it worked for snakes, so why not zombies, I guess. Strangely enough, I found that I kinda liked it. I'm not going to go out and tell everyone I know that they just have to see this masterpiece, mind you. But for an hour and a half, I was into the movie. Call it pure zombie escapism.

Flight of the Living Dead is about a massive airliner filled to capacity, carrying a top-secret government test subject. Damn government, is there anything they aren't to blame for! Anyway, one thing leads to another and the "test subject" is released from her containment. What ensues is mass zombie fun! For a direct-to-DVD feature, New Line did a great job. Excellent special effects, a decent cast and some really good camera work combine to make Flight of the Living Dead a thoroughly watchable flick. If you can get past the fact that nearly seven thousand rounds of gunfire are shot from two handguns, and not one pierces the body of the airplane, then you'll have no problem losing yourself to the gruesome effects of Flight of the Living Dead! Oh, and don't look now, but if this film does well, there will no doubt be a sequel. Flight of the Living Dead resurrects ***1/2 out of *****.

10 Questions for...Brian Keene

Finally! I bagged an interview with one of my favorite writers, my main man, Brian Keene. Between this dude being so busy and thanks to a Myspace issue, this interview is a little late in coming, but well worth the wait. Here's a look into one of horror's most original minds - the Bram Stoker Award winning author, Brian Keene.

1.) Dave: Hi Brian, thanks for spending some time with us. My first question is – What is your writing routine like?

Brian: Monday through Friday, I get up at around 5am. I answer email and respond to posts on my message board until about 7am. I never fully seem to get caught up with these, but I try. Then around 8am, I start writing. I work till 1pm, eat lunch, and then start writing again at 2pm. Then I work until 5pm or 6pm, at which point I'm done for the day. Sometimes I'll work later than that, or work on weekends, too---especially if I'm under deadline.

2.) Dave: At what point did you decide that writing was going to be your career?

Brian: When I started making enough money from it to quit my day job. (laughs). Seriously, I've always been a writer. Even when my writing was barely earning me enough to buy a newspaper, I still thought of myself as a writer. I always made sure I had a day job, but I never thought of those jobs as my vocation. They were what I did to earn money. Writing was my vocation. These days, I'm lucky enough to do it for a living.

3.) Dave: How did you get your first novel published?

Brian: Trial and error and lots of patience. I wrote it, finished it, polished it and then submitted it. Eventually, Delirium Books accepted it for hardcover and then Leisure Books accepted it for paperback. Before that, there were lot's of "No thanks. It's not for us. Zombies will never be popular again."

4.) Dave: You’re a pretty prolific writer. How do you keep track of all of your ideas?

Brian: For each idea I turn into a finished story, there are probably ten that I forget about. That makes me sad, in a way. Do dead story ideas turn into ghosts? Hey, there's another idea! Quick, write that down.

Usually, I remember the good ones. Occasionally, if it's something really, really good, I might jot down some rough notes so I don't forget it.

5.) Dave: What do you like to do when you’re not writing?

Brian: Despite what you may have heard, I'm pretty boring. I like target shooting (I'm a pretty good shot), reading, watching movies, fishing, and taking walks in the woods with my wife and dog.

6.) Dave: The covers of a few of your books (The Rising, Ghoul and the upcoming Dead Sea) are very similar. Do you have a thing for hands or is it just a coincidence?

Brian: That's all up to the publisher's marketing department. Authors generally don't have much say in what goes on their covers. The hands are supposed to create a brand in the mind of the average consumer, or so I'm told.

7.) Dave: The three boys in Ghoul each have terrible things happening at home. Was this an attempt to make a statement about the family unit or was it simply for character depth?

Brian: Some of it was based on real life events---things that happened to me or friends of mine when we were that age. But yeah, the important thing to me was that when the reader finished the book, they were left wondering just who the real monsters really were---the ghoul, or the parents?

8.) Dave: Dead Sea is your next novel. Can you give us a hint as to what we can expect?

Brian: It's in stores now. It's a book totally written for the fans. They asked for another zombie novel, and I obliged. It was an absolute blast to write. I had fun with it. Zombie pusists will dig it because, unlike The Rising and City of the Dead, these zombies can't talk or think or use weapons or drive cars.

9.) Dave: There are a lot of musical references in Ghoul. What type of music do you listen to and do you listen to it while you write?

Brian: I have background noise all day long. From 6am until 11, it's Howard Stern. If he ever went off the air, I think I'd have to quit writing. Once Howard's show is over, I listen to various music all day long. I'm pretty ecclectic in my musical tastes. Today, for example, it was Bruce Springsteen, Iron Maiden, Prince, Waylon Jennings, Mastadon, Ice-T, Anthrax, Love and Rockets, Queensryche, Pixies, Circle of Fear, Robert Johnson, Nighttime Dealers, Vertigo Sun, Faith No More, and Dr. Dre. Tomorrow, it might be those bands again, or it might be something different.

10.) Dave: What advice do you have for aspiring writers?

Brian: Better authors than me have said it, but read every day and write every day. Every single day, man. To be successful as a writer, you need three things: the ability to write, patience, and determination.

My sincere thanks to Brian for providing a quick glimpse into his writing life and creative process. For those who haven't experienced his go-for-the-throat style of writing, head out and pick up one of his books, or better yet, pick up his library, it will save you a return trip! Or, just click on one of the book titles listed above to purchase it directly from Amazon. Find out more about this talented wordsmith by visiting his website, www.briankeene.com.

DVD Review: Hostel 2

Hostel 2 finds us following a group of sexy, young Americans making their way across Europe, meeting strange and exciting people along the way, when their trip goes terribly wrong. Wait a minute, this sounds exactly like Hostel Part 1. Indeed it does my friend, indeed it does. Unfortunately, I was left with a "been there, seen that" feeling after watching Hostel 2. While I really like Eli Roth's ambition for the genre and I still feel he has something really great up his sleeve, I can't help but feel like this is a cash-in. Replace the guys from the first movie with girls and hello, an all-new movie! While this film picks up almost immediately where the first left off, and while it does show us more into the minds of the people who actually run and participate in the festivities of the Elite Hunting Club, it's far from original. The difference between the Hostel and Saw series is that the creators of the Saw series strive to make each movie different and they're nicely complex, whereas Hostel is you get what you pay for. I didn't even think this film was bloodier than the first, which was really a surprise. The appeal of the original was the stark reality and brutality of the film, that this stuff does exist and how horrifying it is. With the second installment, that shock is lost and the film suffers for it. Hostel Part 2 chops up ** out of *****.

Movie Review: Black Sheep

From New Zealand comes this horror/comedy from director Jonathan King. It tells the story of a young man returning home to his family's sheep farm, only to find out that his brother authorized genetic experiments on the helpless woolmakers. A tale of nature gone bad, where there's genetic experiments, there's zombie action waiting to happen, and this time it's zombie sheep! The film was impressively shot, hard not to be with the gorgeous New Zealand countryside serving as the backdrop. But, overall, the film wasn't nearly as funny, or scary as I had hoped. While it tried to keep up with previous horror/comedy masterpieces like Dead Alive, Black Sheep felt a tad uninspired. For me, it just wound up being an alright movie. The creature effects were nice, and there was some tasty gore but in the end, I wasn't blown away. Black Sheep is worth a look if you're hard up for a Saturday night flick, but don't expect a laugh out loud scarefest. Black Sheep grazes **1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Skinwalkers

How can a movie with such a cool poster be bad? Well, while it's not exactly bad, it could have been sooo much better. SkinWalkers tells the tale of two types of werewolves, the ones who like killing and maiming and the ones who want their curse to be lifted. There's a small boy, a half-breed, who holds the key to lifting the curse, or at least that's what the "prophecy" states. When the boy turns 13 during the time of the red full moon, he will begin the process of cleaning up all of werewolfdom. Needless to say, the bad werewolves want the kid dead. We're left with an action-packed movie filled with gun-toting werewolves, one group trying to save and hide the boy and the other tracking and trying to kill him. Overall, the movie was just a standard action film with some bad werewolf makeup thrown in for good measure. Never scary or gory, it lost its horror element from the beginning. Don't pick this film based on its werewolf theme, because you'll be sadly disappointed. But, if you like guns blazing and only a few people getting hit, then you'll enjoy SkinWalkers. For me, I give it ** out of *****.

DVD Review: Vacancy

The title of this one says it all. Vacant is exactly the look you'll have on your face during the 85 minute crapfest that is Vacancy. The plot of this film is the only thing it has going for it, and it's pretty lame. As a quarrelsome couple begins to have car trouble, along a long, dark stretch of god-knows-where blacktop, they're forced to stop into a nicely lit gas station. The kindly gentleman there fixes (wink, wink) their car and it only goes about two miles before it dies for good (the same can't be said about the movie, aaarggh). As the insults fly, the couple heads back to the hotel right next to the gas station. While there, the shady innkeeper provides them with a gloomy room. The damn room looks like someone died in there. Ooops, someone did! Not only that, but our moronic leading duo, played by Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale discover that their room is actually used to make snuff films. They find out because video tapes are left in their room. Oh, the psychological terror! What happens next is neither exciting, thrilling or scary, but it did cause me to a bad case of gas (probably out of boredom). The stunning climax of this movie is one you'll never wish you saw coming and if Wilson's acting in the final ten minutes isn't some of the most over-the-top crappiness ever caught on celluloid then I'm a monkey's uncle. This film was appropriately directed by a guy with the first name, Nimrod. No joke. Vancancy fails to check in with only * out of *****. Run, don't walk away from this crappy big Hollywood piece of poop.

CD Review: Fears in the Water by The Vincent Black Shadow

The Vincent Black Shadow is the new band formed by horror crooner Nim Vind and man, are they great! I'm telling you, this band is going to hit it big. With a sound similar to early No Doubt, but infinitely cooler, TVBS's debut album Fears in the Water is one that's constantly playing on my MP3 player. Female lead singer Cassandra Ford easily transcends the musical diversity the band pumps out, from guitar-driven rockers to mellow, lounge-esque crooners and she proves that she has the pipes to make it work. I can't think of another debut that so instantaneously grabbed my eardrums and provided them with such auditory pleasure! Fears in the Water gets ***** out of *****. Pick up your copy today, and you'll know what's hot before it even comes to temperature.

DVD Review: Big Bad Wolf

I love werewolf movies! The bad thing about loving the lycanthrope genre, is that not much good viewing or reading material comes from it. Other than the Ginger Snaps trilogy and Dog Soldiers, there haven't been many good movies about the hairy wolfman. But, thanks to writer/director Lance W. Dreesen, Big Bad Wolf can be added to that small list of worthwhile werewolf fare! I really liked this movie. The direction and acting were right on and there was enough gore to make a gorehound like me happy. The nice balance of seriousness and humor is what made this movie work. Well, that and having a cool looking werewolf! I could have had the werewolf talk a little less, but that's a minor complaint, because the overall film was very good. The story revolves around Derek Cowley and his sneaking suspicion that his step-father is a werewolf. After all, the guy has a secluded cabin in the woods and he always leaves on business meetings during the time of the full moon every month. After a rash of deaths, Derek and his friend Samantha, are left to discover the truth behind his step-father's timely disappearances. Big Bad Wolf solidly takes a place next to the other werewolf films listed above as well worth watching! I give it **** out of *****.

Book Review: Wicked Things by Thomas Tessier

Wicked Things is Thomas Tessier's first original novel in ten years. That being said, I hope he has more up his sleeve than just this story. I was really let down by this book. Oddly enough, I found myself reading and reading, even though nothing was really happening. It always felt as if something was on the verge of happening and then...nothing. The ending sort of rushes in on you and I actually had to read the last page twice to realize what happened. The story revolves around insurance investigator Jack Carlson and his investigation onto a series of strange deaths in the sleepy little town of Winship. The town is the ideal small town, but it has a dark secret. Can Jack overcome the roaming gangs, the secret religious sect, the town's red light district and the rash of murder/suicides that take place upon his arrival? In the end, reading this book gave me the exact same sensation that Jack was experiencing in the book - kind of strange, almost like a bad trip, surreal and ultimately kind of boring. Wicked Things is best left for when you're really hard up for something to read and you're too broke to go to the bookstore and the library's closed. It gets * out of *****.

Book Review: Offspring by Jack Ketchum

Good old Jack Ketchum! Just when you can really use an uplifting tale of love regained, Jack rears his leg back and kicks you right in the ass! Oh man, and I wouldn't have it any other way! Offspring takes us back to the Maine coastline where the tragic events in Off Season occurred. Ketchum's family of cannibalistic sadistic children return, with new members and new skills. Ten years have passed since the nightmare portrayed in Off Season, and everything has been quiet in the town of Dead River, Maine. However, things are going to be getting very messy, very soon! The story once again follows the events of a single day - May 12, 1992 - and Jack really knows how to fill out 24 hours! With brutally realistic violence, this book is not for everyone. But if you've had the pleasure of reading Off Season, you will want to read this book. Nobody conveys violence on the page like Jack Ketchum! This book is a visceral treat for the lover of horror. It's deadly fast paced and you'll probably finish it in one sitting. Do yourself a favor - read Offspring - if you have the guts! Absolutely ***** out of *****.

Book Review: Edgewise by Graham Masterson

Graham Masterson, now that's a name for a horror writer if there ever was one! To be honest, while he's written many top sellers, this is the first novel of his I've read. But having said that, I'm afraid Edgewise, while very good in parts, simply doesn't do the man's reputation any justice. It's been a while since we've had a book or fim about the Wendigo, and Masterson's quick read brings the ghostly deer/wolf/man back onto the scene. Strangely enough, not long after the whole Alec Baldwin/Kim Basinger debacle, this book gets released. It's about a mother who is nearly killed when an angry father's group kidnaps her children because of a messy custody situation. The distraught woman seeks the help of an irreverant Native American shaman with the hopes of setting the greatest tracker on the trail of her husband. She was never told that the Wendigo destroys and eats whoever gets in its way! Not only that, but when she can't keep up her end of the deal, she finds that she's the subject of the Wendigo's wrath. Plenty of action and grue, Edgewise is certainly the best Wendigo story I've read or seen, but like I said earlier, it's just not what I expected from someone of Masterson's reputation. Overall, I give Edgewise *** out of *****.

Goodbye Jericho

In what was one of the dumbest moves by any network, CBS canceled their innovative and compelling show Jericho today. I am truly pissed off about this move. Why do we have to sit through endless hours of reality crap only to have one of the most original programs ever aired stolen from us at the heighth of its storyline. CBS can kiss my ass and from this moment, I vow NEVER to watch a CBS program again! That channel simply doesn't exist.

Oh, they have a new show about a vampire detective this fall, but why should anyone watch it? I'm sure they'll cancel it right after the episode airs that ends with the vampire leaning in for the bite.

Leslie Moonves, you can go stick your "edgy programming" up your sorry ass! It's apparent your parents named you Leslie because they couldn't tell if you were a boy or a girl, but you just proved to the world that you have no balls, so that's that!

Hey, what's next? CSI: Detroit? Surviving Pirate Island? How I Met Your Sister's Brother?

CBS, you're lame and you will always be at the bottom of the big three. As crappy as the CW and Fox are, at least they have faith in their shows and their viewers. They give the programs a chance.

That's it, I've had it. I've said my share, I've signed the petitions. TV will not be the same without Jericho. I only have one thing left to say:

Thank God HEROES isn't on fu**ing CBS!