DVD Review: Dark Reality

The creators of Dark Reality not only made a movie, but they tapped into a medical phenomenon. They discovered the cure for insomnia! This is possibly the most boring film I've ever had the displeasure of watching. There is no plot, there is no story, the guy on the box cover isn't even in the film! If you've never listened to my reviews in the past, do so now! This is a major crapper. The film is about a few women who get abducted, tortured and held captive by an unknown man. That's it. There's no mystery as to who the guy is, why these particular girls, no cop on the trail, no nothing. The only mystery I can find is...why am I watching this crap?! The film quality is terrible. It's grainier than a bag of whole-wheat bread! Plus, all the close-ups and over-the-cheek shots are enough to send you over the edge. The Reality of this situation certainly is Dark! 0 out of *****. I would give it negative points if I could!

DVD Review: Feast

The Project Greenlight horrorfest finally makes it to the masses, and the verdict is....um, not too bad. The writing was creative and I really liked the way the movie kicked off. It was original and I really dug it. The acting was over-the-top good, especially from Henry Rollins, who plays a self-motivating guru. The creature makeup was good when they finally shed their stupid looking costumes, I wish they would have left the furs and stuff off them the entire time, they looked goofy in them. The monster fighting scenes were filmed in that now-familiar shaking mode that's supposed to lend an air of frantic desperation. Unfortunately, I don't remember ever hearing anything about who or what these creatures are or where they came from. Maybe it'll be uncovered in the sure-to-be-sequel. Basically the movie's about a group of people in a dusty old desert bar, who get attacked by blood and sex-starved monsters. There's tons of blood and guts and all that good stuff. Overall, Feast is a fun ride, not to be taken seriously, but with a few minor slips. It get *** out of *****.

DVD Review: Halloween Night

OOOOOOOOO...Scaaaaarrrryyyyy. It's Halloween and when better to check out Halloween Night written by Fangoria's very own Michael Gingold. Gee, I wonder how they'll review this one, because let's face it, it's not too good. It says it's based on a true story. If it is, then real life really is stranger than fiction because there is a lot of people getting killed in this movie. It's actually one of the better things about it, all the killing. The problem is, is that the killing is lackluster and not much creativity went into the scenes. There was no buildup of tension, the acting was herky-jerky and it was just bland. It's like getting an ice cream cone filled with colorful scoops of ice cream and finding out it's all vanilla. Some of the characters were downright annoying and the guy that played the cop should never act again! Ok, so apparently. back in 1982, a guy escaped from a mental institution and killed a bunch of people in his former house, sound familiar? Unfortunately, Halloween Night couldn't be scary even after eating half a bag of candy from tonight's activities. What's next, The Afternoon of Friday the 13th? Sheesh! * out of *****.

DVD Review: Rest Stop

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! I so wanted this to be what it looked like! The previews looked so good! Alas, another drape of wool over my eyes. This was a weak, boring and non-sensible entry into the serial killer genre. If there was less blood, language and skin (not that there was much of any to begin with), it could be a Lifetime movie of the week. Where did the girl in the skirt on the cover come from? The girl in the movie had jeans on! It's stupid little things like that, all through the movie, that you notice. Oh yeah, and if it wasn't bad enough, it had Joey Lawrence in it. I kept waiting for him to say "Woah" as he proved why he hasn't worked in years. The main actress was annoying and the way her character acted was insipid. The plot goes like this--A girl and her boyfriend leave Texas for the bright lights of Hollywood. Along the way, they are tormented by a guy in a yellow truck. They stop at a rest stop and end up at the wrong end of this guy's furor. There are goofy "imagination" sequences, stupid dialogue and lousy acting by everyone included. The ending can be seen coming a mile away. The multiple endings included on the disc show that the lousy, overly-used ending was actually the best one of the crappy lot! Lucky us. Pass this Rest Stop, keep driving, run out of gas if you have to! * out of *****.

DVD Review: The Pumpkin Karver

It's that time of year again. When a rash of Halloween themed movies head straight to DVD to try to make some quick cash. Which one will be this year's Satan's Little Helper? It won't be The Pumpkin Karver, but don't let that stop you from checking it out. This film has potential, but it just didn't make the most out of the premise. First off is the young man who is the central character. Is he mentally challenged or not? Why does his sister have to stay with him on Halloween night when they're both like 20 years old? I was just wondering, in a movie like this, some detail would be nice. That being said, it wasn't a terrible slasher film, maybe a little tame for my standards since all the carving was done off screen, but the old man's performance is worth watching. His gritty performance as a crazy old coot is simply great. The two stoner dudes I just couldn't take though. Their comic relief was neither comical nor a relief. I also had a problem with the fact that with all those kids at the Halloween party, only a few get killed and you never see what happens to all the rest of them. Do they continue to party on? Do they go home? I'm a sucker for Halloween themed slashers but there are too many questions left unanswered with this one. A slasher movie doesn't need to be this stupid. They can be well thought out at times. Call this "the little slasher that almost did". It carves a ** out of *****. Oh, yeah, that face on the box cover, that's not the Pumpkin Karver, I don't know who that is, he's not in the movie, but he's creepier looking than the killer and should have been in it!

DVD Review: Hillside Cannibals

Was the Hills Have Eyes remake so popular that it needs this many low budget rip offs? Hillside Cannibals is actually more in the vein of Jack Ketchum's novel Off Season, but without everything that made that novel so great. This is a rather boring foray into the cannibalistic hill dwellers genre. A "family" of cannibals reside in the hills of a desert out in the middle of nowhere and they feast on anyone who gets too close to their lair. With more grunting and hooting than what's heard at the local zoo, for some reason the actors were told to act like monkeys. Monkeys aren't cannibals. Maybe it was their take on a caveman. Cavemen weren't cannibals either. I don't know, but it made for an irritating movie experience. Don't head into these hills. * out of *****.

Book Review: Ghost Road Blues by Jonathan Maberry

Damn you Maberry, damn you I say! If I were to write a novel, this is exactly the type of story I'd tell! Thank you Maberry, thank you I say because you actually wrote it and it kicks serious ass!! This is the best book I've read this year, hands and goat hooves down! This story has it all. Evil murderers, blues-playing ghosts, tow-truck drivers trying to run down kids, and a creepy feeling town to boot! I want to move to Pine Deep, even though my life would be on the line, that's my kind of town. This book is poetic, a beautiful story woven from delicate strands of gristle and fiber. The first in a trilogy, Maberry has started something that I hope he can keep up with. The book is flawless, from the opening page to the last. Buy and read this book NOW! It's the perfect time with Halloween right around the corner and autumn coming on strong. I'm not even going to try to explain the plot, it's too delicious and I don't want to do it a disfavor. You're a good man Mr. Maberry, keep up the great work! ***** out of *****. You've gotta let me know when Dead Man's Song comes out bro! I'll be the first in line.

DVD Review: Stay Alive

Here comes another PG-13 movie released on DVD in a special unrated version, that closely resembles a PG-13 movie! When Stay Alive was released in theaters, a few review sites (some that I rather admire) claimed that although it was PG-13, there was a lot of blood and some nice death scenes. They must have been enjoying some magical popcorn when they watched it. It is what it is--a PG-13 horror movie. Even so, I had high hopes after the opening. It was original and creepy and had the feel of a Japanese horror film. Sadly, the rest of the movie sucked. The premise is that the spirit of an evil lady is released when a certain poem is read aloud at the beginning of an underground video game. If your character in the game dies, then so do you, in real life. Lousy acting, and some of the dumbest police characters I've ever seen on film do not help. Stay Alive never should have been born in the first place! * out of *****.

DVD Review: Hard Candy

This is a brilliant movie. It makes you think about it long after the show's over. The acting is incredible and the direction is first-rate. The people behind this movie really thought this through, understanding that the viewer is going to question their very own point of view after watching this. I, for one, thought it ended brilliantly! Find out what happens when a 30-something man meets up with a 14 year old after an internet chat session. It's not Dateline, and there's no Chris Hanson! Amazingly subtle, yet poignantly powerful, this is a classic film that every member of society should watch. This should be Oscar-nominated, but the Hollywood machine can't get it's mind around filmmaking this good, so I'm sure some period piece on an English Queen will get the nod instead. Watch this film! I was riveted to my seat. ***** out of *****.

CD Review: A Matter of Life and Death by Iron Maiden

This was hard to come by. Not the CD, the review. I had mixed feelings when I heard the album for the first time. I thought it was a little boring, a shadow of what Maiden used to be. Then, the more I listened to it, the better it sounded. Turns out I actually like the album, although it's still a shadow of what Maiden used to be. Call this the "new era of Iron Maiden". It started with Brave New World and continues here. Most of the songs start off with that soft bass line that is so familiar to Maiden songs and then they pick up tempo. Here's the tracklist:

1. Different World
2. These Colours Don't Run
3. Brighter Than A Thousand Suns
4. Pilgrim
5. Longest Day
6. Out of The Shadows
7. Reincarnation of Benjamin Breeg
8. For The Greater Good of God
9. Lord of Light
10. Legacy

As you can see, the songs are patriotic in theme as Iron Maiden is making their comment on modern society. Like I said, it's a good album, certainly not Maiden's finest, but it nice to see the old geezers still pumping out some very good music. Newer bands will never have the longetivity of the classic forefathers of rock, like Maiden, Priest, Kiss, and AC/DC!!! I give this latest Maiden disc ***1/2 out of *****.

Book Review: The Book of the Dead by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child

I absolutely love the Agent Pendergast novels. Full of action, intrigue, twists and turns, I'm telling you those books are great! That's why this is so hard. This latest journey with Pendergast isn't as fun or exciting as past visits. The thing is, is if you're a fan, you have to read this book. There are a lot of things that happen that are very important to the series in Book of the Dead. We find out more about Diogenes, the Pendergast family, and even Constance. When we last left the eccentric agent, he was locked away in Herkmoor prison, framed by his evil brother Diogenes, for the murders of many prominent people. Diogenes is on the loose plotting his ultimate crime. Lt. D'Agosta and the strange Eli Glinn collaborate on a plan to get Pendergast out of prison. The setting is again the New York Museum and focuses on the re-opening of the cursed Tomb of Senef. The same familiar faces are back in the fold, and by now you'd think they'd close the museum down after everything that's happened there! It's a delicately written, carefully constructed story that has a tendency to plod along at times, and the ending sets up an encore. The past two novels were better in my opinion, but as I said, a lot of important things are exposed in this one, so if you're a fan, read it! Overall, I give The Book of the Dead *** out of *****.

DVD Review: Dark Fields

I'm convinced that the artists responsible for cover art should be more involved with the actual film. This is yet another prime example of a DVD cover that is way better then the film. A group of teens get a ride from the pimply-faced school nerd to the big concert, unfortunately, nobody really knows how to get there and they run out of gas. They coast to a stop right by a big old scary house! Never mind the fact that there are tail lights from passing cars about 25 yards from where they are, they're STRANDED! The pimply-faced nerd goes to see if the scary house has gas, where he meets his demise, I guess, they never really say, but later, the others do find a drop of blood. Seems there's a killer on the loose. Just so happens he has a vendetta against gas thieves. I'm serious, that's his M.O., gas thieves. Never mind the fact that the pimple boy left him $10 and wasn't stealing gas, maybe the Gene Simmons wig the killer seems to be wearing obstructs his vision. I don't know, this film has some laughable scenes, whether or not they were intended to be funny is another matter. This is just a mindless film, with some mildly funny spots, and if not taken too seriously isn't too bad. I give Dark Fields ** out of *****.

DVD Review: Are You Scared

Five seconds into this film and you're thinking "This is just like Saw!". Yeah, it is just like Saw. A group of young adults each wake up in a desolate, abandoned warehouse. It seems that at one time, they all applied to be on a new reality TV show called "Are You Scared?". The Jigsaw-like voice explains to them the rules of the game. One by one, they each have to head off to face their fear, and needless to say, they usually don't win. If Saw had never come out, this would have been a decent film, but now it just seems to be a copycat. There were a few scenes that were worth the price of admission, however. Unfortunately, the contestants were kind of irritating, and I figured out what the "twist" was to this one about 20 minutes into the film. Having said all that, it's still better than some of the crappers out there. I would recommend it on a night when there's nothing on, and Saw 2 is already rented. I give it **1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: Satan's Playground

I have mixed feelings about Satan's Playground. On one hand, the entire story is riddled with holes and there are times you feel like turning it off. On the other hand, it has a sort of tongue in cheek quality to it that forces you to smile and keeps your finger off the stop button. The story takes place in Satan's actual playground, which is New Jersey, for those of you who don't live here. No, it really takes place in the Pine Barrens of NJ, and for once I'm glad they actually filmed here and didn't try to pretend the lush forests of Canada are the Pine Barrens. I'd recognize that sandy soil and those twisted, gnarly tree limbs anywhere! As for the actors, it feels like the casting director picked up a few people from a turnpike rest stop to play the roles, except for Mrs. Leeds, she was great. The story deals with a family driving to God-knows-where, through the Pine Barrens. Their car breaks down, and they find an old house in the woods. Things go awry from there as crazy sociopaths, satan worshippers, and the Jersey Devil all come together to wreak havoc on the family. That's one mean strech of Pine Barrens real estate! Dante Tomaselli directed this film and after watching the interview with him on the disc, I have to say I thought more of the film than I previously did. He has talent that is still on the fringes of being released, and when it does, he'll be more than just a good director with a great sounding name. He's definitely one to keep an eye out for. Satan plays with **1/2 out of *****.

CD Review: Fang Bang by Wednesday 13

Whoever said that Marilyn Manson was this generation's Alice Cooper has obviously not heard Wednesday 13. This dude knows how to write 'em down, dirty, bloody, and yeah, a little fun too. Fang Bang is the highly awaited sequel to Transylvania 90210 and if put in movie terms, Fang Bang would be The Empire Strikes Back compared to 90210's A New Hope. Yeah, it's that good. Here's the set list and with track names like these, how can they be bad?:
1.) Morgue Than Words--A great rocking tune to open the record with.

2.) American Werewolves in London--If you don't find yourself singing to this, you're dead.

3.) My Home Sweet Homicide--A great track with a great video. Should see heavy MTV rotation.

4.) Faith In The Devil--Profanity laden goodness.

5.) Happily Ever Cadaver--This generation's Cold Ethyl.

6.) Curse of Me--Perhaps the best track? Definitely the most well constructed.

7.) Haddonfield--An ode to Michael Myers. If it doesn't show up in Rob Zombie's remake, there's no justice in this world.

8.) Too Much Blood--A frenzied, fist-pumping rager.

9.) Till Death Do Us Party--An ode to Jason Voorhees. If it doesn't show up in the next Friday the 13th flick, there's no justice in this world.

10.) Buried With Children--Made for the mosh pit.

11.) Kill You Before You Kill Me--The title explains it all!

12.) Die Sci-Fi--This tune rocks! It has a more mature sound than the others.

13.) Burn The Flames--If this track doesn't remind you of vintage Alice, yeah, you're dead.

This CD kicks total ASS!!! This album progresses on everthing he's done since Murderdolls and Frankenstein Drag Queens. All hail the next incarnation of Alice with a brutal twist. ***** out of *****!! Pick this album up TODAY!

DVD Review: The Tooth Fairy

There has never been a more true tagline in the history of cinema: "The Childhood Fairy Tale Becomes Your Worst Nightmare"! This movie was a nightmare. Whether it was from the convoluted plot, the crappy acting or the lousy directing, I'll never know. The story is about an old woman with a bad complexion, who as a child was constantly ridiculed by her peers, and the havoc she wreaks. She lures children to her wooded abode with the promises of goodies in exchange for their loose tooth. After she gets the tooth, the kid gets the axe! And the tooth goes in a box, along with the kid's soul. Now, it's many years later, and a new owner is changing the witch house into a bed and breakfast. All the painting and cleaning apparently awakens the old crow and she starts killing people. Oh yeah, did I mention the owner has a girlfiend with a little girl (who happens to have a loose tooth!) who also happens to be staying with him for a while. Throw in the stripper with a heart of gold, a love for birds, and a tender side ("He was going to be an electrical engineer...sob...sob") and we've got a potboiler! This tooth fairy movie makes Darkness Falls look like a masterpiece! Just like the real tooth fairy, pretend this film doesn't exist! It gums its way to 0 out of *****.

DVD Review: Silent Hill

Without a doubt, Silent Hill should get an Oscar nomination for set design. The environment of this movie is phenomenal! I can't believe how similar everything looked compared to the game. Of course, for those not in the know, Silent Hill is based on the popular video game of the same name. When a couple's adopted daughter has sleepwalking dreams and keeps muttering "Silent Hill" in mid-slumber, Rose, the good mom that she is, decides to take the girl to the abandoned ghost town to try to help her with her illness. On the way there, she speeds away from a cop and gets into an accident, right on the fringe of...Silent Hill. Knocked out by the crash, Rose awakens to find her daughter missing. She then sets out through the wierd, shadowy town to try and find her. The atmosphere is as eerie as I've ever seen in a movie. The acting is very good and the effects are unbelievable. The directing is top-notch and the sound is incredible. There is not much bad to say about this movie. I really did thoroughly enjoy it. It's by far the creepiest American-made movie in years. Silent Hill screams out with ***** out of *****.

DVD Review: Night Watch

This movie is brilliant! The first in a trilogy, Night Watch tells the tale of a world in which vampires and witches and other nasties walk among us. Centuries before, the battle between the forces of light and the forces of dark raged on and eventually came to a standstill. A pact was formed to lend balance to the land. Thus the Night Watch and the Day Watch were formed. The Night Watch is a group of people, who have supernatural powers, that watch over the legions of the dark and ensure they don't get too out of control. They even issue licenses for the dark ones to legally do their bad deeds. The dark ones are fed up with the control issues and some act out. Every time an Other is found, the two forces each try to get him to join their faction. This synopsis doesn't do this movie justice. This is a kick-ass, visually beautiful film with an engaging storyline. It's hard to believe this Russian filmed epic was made for about 4 million dollars. If it was made in America, it would have cost at least 100 million to get these kinds of visuals. I don't know why, I just know it doesn't make sense. Expertly directed, this was a joy to watch, and now I can't wait for the sequel called Day Watch. My only beef is, I wish the subtitles were below the picture, in the black letterbox frame. With the words in the picture, it was a little hard to get used to, but eventually you enter the movie and you forget about it. This is another disc that really sounds as good as it looks. The soundtrack is absolutely fantastic. Night Watch gets ***** out of *****.

DVD Review: Zombie Honeymoon

I thought this was supposed to be a comedy, but it wasn't. It was a heartfelt tragic story of newlyweds and their horrific honeymoon at the Jersey shore. Yeah, honeymooning at the Jersey shore is tragic and horrific, but that's not the worst of it. After spending a blissful day of loving and laughing, our doomed pair head to the beach for a bit of surf and relaxation, with a little infection thrown in. After a chance encounter at the beach, Danny is pronounced dead at the hospital, only to come back to life on his own later. Thinking they narrowly missed a disaster, the couple continue to love life and plan to escape to Portugal. There's only one problem. Danny's not the same since he came back to life. He's found his once vegetarian lifestyle to be slowing him down. Now, he's a meat man, as in flesh, yo! What's a loving wife to do? This movie tugs at the heartstrings like no other zombie flick I've seen. Brilliantly acted and directed, this is a very good movie. Plus, it has it's share of gore for being such a love story! This is truly an original and fresh view of the undead, and those who love them. It has a great soundtrack to boot! This honeymoon suite gets ****1/2 out of *****.

DVD Review: I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

No, No, No, No, NO!!! Don't tell me I just saw what I thought I saw!! Ridiculous! Insane! Incomprehensible! Unreproachable! What they just did with this series is way worse than having Brandy star in the second one. I cannot believe they went this way with it. I'm dumbfounded and dare I say it, a little insulted. Near enough to the original to warrant plagarism, this third chapter in the series even has characters nearly identical to the first one. Much of the dialogue sounds stolen from it too. "We take this to our grave! Say it, Say it!!". I'll say it! "If anyone asks me if I saw this movie, I'll deny it! I'll take it my grave!!" There, that's better. Forget the cozy seaside port town, where the fisherman makes sense. This one takes place in Colorado, now what's a fisherman doing way out there? You wouldn't believe it even if I told you. It's time we start forgetting what happened last summer and let bygones be bygones! 0 out of *****.